I suddenly realized what was happening. Annie was all grown up and leaving us. And something inside began to hurt.
- Steve Martin as George Banks in Father of the Bride
The day after Lil’ Bit turned two, we switched her car seat to forward-facing. This time for good.
We told her it was her “big girl seat,” and she glowed with delight. She’s completely enamored of it, and now hardly a day goes by when she doesn’t ask (or demand) to go for a ride in her big girl seat. Although I must admit it’s made her rather bossy. In the car, I hear endless commands of Dis way, Mommy! and Go, Mommy, go! and my father’s personal favorite: Slow down, Pop! She really is the worst backseat driver ever.
Since the turning of the car seat, however, we’ve been inundated with all things “big girl.” She sleeps in a big girl bed now. And sits at the big girl table in her big girl chair while drinking out of a big girl cup. She’s even wearing what she calls “big girl diapers” – size 5′s, the end of the line before transitioning to hardcore potty training. At which point she’ll be in “big girl panties.”
It’s all enough to make my head spin. How is it possible that just two years ago, I was adjusting to my new normal with a tiny baby?
Trying on her brand new “big girl shoes” before Christmas
Recently one morning on the way to work, Lil’ Bit boasted, “I sit in big girl seat, Mommy!”
“You do sit in a big girl seat!” I replied, and couldn’t help but smile at her obvious pride.
“I sleep in big girl bed!”
“Yes, you do,” I agreed.
“YAAAAY!” she cried happily. And I heard a small voice inside my head echo, “Noooo!”
The drive for young girls to grow up quickly is so pervasive among our society, culture, and media. We see it in fashion, in beauty, in their extracurricular hobbies, and even in the behaviors that we, as mothers, often subconsciously model for our daughters.
But is it also simply an inherent desire within each of us; a natural yearning to explore an unknown destination, while ignoring the journey at hand? After all, I can remember a time during my teenage years when the independence of adulthood seemed like the perfect answer to my juvenile angst; a time when I’d finally have life all figured out.
Glancing in the rear-view mirror, I reflected on this naivete as I watched my 2-year-old proudly celebrate her “big girl” status.
My God, I marveled. It starts so young! Little girls lost to a big girl world.
And with that haunting thought, something inside began to hurt.
Fellow parents of girls, do you feel our daughters are hard-wired to grow up too fast? And parents of boys, is this also an issue for you?
I'm a self-proclaimed city girl living a decidedly more rural life in eastern West Virginia – or as I like to spin it, the far western suburbs of Washington, D.C.
Welcome to What She Said, an occasionally sarcastic, often poignant, frequently self-deprecating, and always heartfelt “niche-less” blend of family, life, and humor. 
I know exactly what you mean. For me, it’s the same with my son, but it’s not exactly the same. It’s a sexist thing to say, but I worry more about the pain our society has for our girls – body image & sexuality & mean girls & a million other things. I realize boys have some of those issues, too, but I worry more for my girl
I completely agree with you – our societal standards are my main fear about raising a daughter. For all the reasons you said.
So sad.
One of my friends has a four year old who dances and asks, “Is this a sexy dance, mommy?” She will dress in a skirt and ask if it’s a “sexy skirt”. Her mom is horrified and hasn’t ever referred to anything as “sexy” (her mom is a total Tomboy). Not sure where it comes from, but it breaks my heart that “sexy” matters to a four year old.
That scares the bejeesus out of me. I can’t even imagine Lil’ Bit asking me if she looks “sexy” in just two short years. As a parent, I don’t want to shelter her from reality, but at the same time, given the current state of our society, I kind of do. You know?
The night I found out we were going to have a girl, though I had always wanted to have a daughter, I cried into the wee hours of the night (partly because of pregnancy hormones) but mostly because I could foresee the world she would be facing as she would progress through life, the challenges and heartbreaks that would change her, the hurts that I would only be able to comfort but not remove, and oh, it was and still is at times, overwhelming. If only we could keep them close and protected, but then, our job is to help them grow up and even a little away from us. It’s bittersweet:)
I worried about having a little girl, too. Now that she’s here, ironically enough, I don’t worry about it as much – I’m too caught up in watching her grow and develop, I think, too worry too much about the future. But every now and then, I do think about it – and my chest tightens and it gets a little bit harder to breathe and then I have to just not think about it anymore.
Kristin-
I have 4 children…only one is a girl. Funny, she is also the most strong-willed and independent by nature.
I think it’s a protection mechanism.
Another facet of that is boy or girl, it doesn’t really matter. Confidence to step away from Mom and Dad just means that you are rocking the whole parent game…the asurety that they can handle anything (mostly) is a gift we give our children- but it is doubly important to our daughters.
I’m so very proud of all my kids, but when I look at my beautiful girl, that little space in me that used to hurt at her leaving (same space you are finding) swells with pride and gratitude.
Yours will too.
Take care, Mama.
Thanks for sharing-
Tracy
Thank you, Tracy. I needed to read that. Thank you so much.
Take comfort in the fact that there’s a difference normal development, quick though it may be, and unnatural acceleration aided by the parents. You’re not buying her the tops and lipstick. You’ll know when you put the brakes on.
The gentle voice of reason, as always. Thank you, my friend.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
That you’re aware, is a great first step to ensure she grows up at a ‘normal pace’. Marketers and retailers will try to sell parents and kids the tools to ‘grow up quicker’ (e.g. high heels for girls, sexy clothes etc), but you’re in control, not them.
Yes, I do worry about my son growing up quicker than I’d like, I think that’s just a natural part of motherhood – learning to let go. I think you should be very proud that Lil Bit is getting independent – it means you’re doing a great job.
I hadn’t looked at it from that perspective. Thank you, Alison. Put that way, it’s still bittersweet, but also something in which to take pride, not fear. I really appreciate that.
I think it’s definitely an issue no matter your child’s gender. Though I think that the clothing for girls makes it a little bit worse.
Oh, the clothing is TERRIBLE, isn’t it? I even see the “sexiness factor” in 2T clothing for little girls at Target and Kohl’s. In what world is there any need to make clothing for TODDLERS sexy?
I think it’s relative to girls and boys, just differently (geared more to body image for girls than boys). My girls are definitely going faster than I’d like and I try to sit with them and explain way more sh…stuff than I’d like to right now (for instance, parts of the movie The Color Purple that my middle schooler’s teacher thought was an appropriate RATED R movie for them to watch and discuss. Moving on).
It’s hard once they start showing that independence, but I do think it’s possible, with LOTS of communication, to not have it be a negative thing.
Yes, communication is key – I wholeheartedly agree that with good communication kids and parents can better navigate the sometimes-choppy waters of growing up. In fact, I read a fantastic post this week at Near Normalcy that perfectly illustrates your point. You should check it out: http://www.nearnormalcy.com/2012/01/that-s-word.html
I hadn’t given it much thought really until you pointed it out and you know what… you’re right. I have 3 girls (16, 12, 9) and I think that they’re beyond their years in the way they act, talk, dress, everything! Not that they’re dressing like street walkers or anything like that! It’s just that they’re smart & independent. Now, I have a son who is going to be 2 on Friday so I don’t know about boys yet. My goal is to keep him little forever.
Gah! Don’t tell me that, Jackie! Don’t you know that as a more seasoned parent, you’re supposed to lie to me and tell me your three tween and teen girls are still endearingly naive and in no hurry to grow up?
I definitely worry about it – but I try and keep it as reined in as possible – growing up too fast. They just don’t need to! Even though so much of society will tell them they should.
I understand.
That’s me – I worry, but I also try to keep my concern in perspective. One day at a time.
Otherwise, I’d be a raving lunatic.
I wonder sometimes if it starts when they are little babies. I was (and still am) fascinated with his development. I couldn’t wait until he drank out of sippy, picked up his own food and fed himself, turned the carseat around, wore bigger clothes. Now I’m trying not to rush walking. I think we might do it subconsciously at first: “Well, that kid is walking and she’s only 10 months old and he’s 14 months old, so why isn’t he walking? We need to get him walking!!!” but kids are way smarter than we give them credit for and they get it. Being “big” is better. Now I can’t speak as a mama to a little girl, but as a little boy, I don’t have the fear of how he’ll be as a teenager or whatever. I do think moms to girls have it harder as far as that’s concerned. One day you do wake up and go, “wait, where did that tiny baby go? this one can’t be mine, he’s pulling raisins out of a box that he climbed up to get…”
Sorry for the whole post in your comments
You always take the thoughts write out of my brain in your comments. I love you for that and really, really hope we have the chance to meet in person one day – we’d never shut up!
And I appreciate longer comments – they show you actually read the post and put some real thought into your response. Never apologize for a long comment.
I do worry about this with my daughter. Hello, Toddlers and Tiaras anyone? I just hate the push to make them grow up so fast–to put makeup on when they are so young, to have them emulate grown women’s clothing styles. What’s wrong with letting them be little?
Toddlers and Tiaras – ugh! I’ve never even watched the show but what little of seen/heard about it makes me ill. Same with Dance Moms. It’s that sort of crap that makes me look at our society with genuine sense of sadness and disgust and wonder, “What are we doing here? Where are we going?” And sometimes it truly breaks my heart to think about the world in which my daughter will grow up. Collectively, we seem to become ruder, dumber, and more soulless with every passing year – and it shows.
Since my girls were Lil Bit’s age I have always whispered in their ears when I tuck them in “Don’t be in a hurry to grow up.” I’m hoping that when the teen years come I will have whispered it enough times that they will hear it when they need to. It’s hard growing up and I never thought it could feel so hard on the parents too.
Seeing certain things from a parent’s perspective is certainly enlightening.
And I love what you say to your girls at bedtime. I may have to adopt that little mantra.
I absolutely feel this about my daughter. Her current goal is to have boobs. Why oh why? My boys are perfectly happy jumping from the couch and she is asking me questions about nipples.
LOL at, “Her current goal is to have boobs.” FWIW, that’s my mom’s goal too, and she’s almost 64.
But all joking aside, I can totally understand how that would freak you out. As it is right now, Lil’ Bit just points to mine and says, “Mommy’s boobies.” Which is mortifying when I think about her announcing it at daycare one day. But I guess it’s better than her saying, “I want boobies like Mommy.” So, you know… perspective.
I have a son and I haven’t really felt like he was growing up too fast until he started school. He has had a girl kiss him, has been learning so many things every day…it’s been crazy to see how much he is growing up in such a short period of time, but it is so much fun too.
Yeah, they learn so much from being around other kids – for better or for worse. It’s definitely bittersweet, and also a little scary, but so much fun, like you said.
Although if Lil’ Bit starts kissing boys anytime soon, she’s going to get a stern talking to from her father and me. She already has a little boyfriend at daycare and, while it’s pretty cute to watch them flirt, it’s also mind-boggling to see how inherent it is from such a young age.
My goal is to keep Astrid in her crib until she is 12. Is that wrong?
Absolutely not. In fact, I will happily join you in this completely worthwhile and not at all irrational campaign.
I agree with all of this. And the comments. I have a 5yo girl and a 1yo son. So I’m not sure what to expect with my boy, but my girl? So. Fast.
You read my post about the s-word. All of that started when she was in preschool and she came home asking me if she looked sexy. My heart broke a little bit that day.
But all we can do is try to keep a level head and pass it on to our babies. Teach them that their bodies belong to them, that they have value, and that they have rights and responsibilities. And yes…apparently, it starts young.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment over at my place today.
May both our little girls grow to be strong and happy women. Someday a long, long time from now!
Here’s to strong and happy women – a long, long time from now!
I thought your post about talking about S-E-X with kids was fantastic. When it comes to talking to my own daughter about such things (hopefully a long, long time from now), you will be my muse.
At the risk of sounding like a crappy mom, I’ll admit that I was actually not overly worried about the potential for Karly to be a “little girl lost in a big world” when she was really young.
In fact, she was probably at greater risk of this than some: she went to daycare/preschool and had an older sibling and although it wasn’t a free-for-all around here, we weren’t crazy-strict on the television.
My kids watched Spongebob and other Nickelodean shows while many of their peers were forbidden anything but Disney and PBS.
And yet. Both my kids are completely unsophisticated. They are the opposite of “fast” or “too cool” – probably because Bill and I are (bottom line) kind of dorky and unsophisticated ourselves.
We don’t strive to be popular or hip. We hang out as a family and other families like ours. And that’s okay.
My kids do karate which is not competitive (and I think competition sparks a lot of the “too fast” mentality). We don’t push them to be the “first” to do anything or even to be the “best” in every endeavor. We just let them be.
But. The bottom line is I think kids are hard-wired for some of this. Some kids come out wanting to push limits and others are more afraid of change.
My kids don’t seem to want to grow up yet. And that may (by itself) be a different problem. What did we do wrong that they’re afraid of maturing?
Hmmm. It’s hard to be a parent.
I don’t think you sound at all like a crappy mom. In fact, the way you describe you and Bill, you remind me very much of my parents when I was growing up – and they were excellent parents, if I do say so myself. My brother and I were never in any hurry to grow up either… and still aren’t in some ways. Which, admittedly, can be a problem. But I think that reflects more on us than on Mom and Dad.
And in the end, looking back from my current place in life as a relatively mature, respectable citizen of society, I’d much rather have had them err on the side of sheltering us a little too much than the alternative… you know?
I think of this every day. A little part of me hurts, seeing my baby growing but also of her future – whatever that might be. I just want her to be my little baby girl for ever.
I think that no matter how old they get, they’ll always be our babies in a way.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself.