Mommy, go to work.
I’ve been hearing this quite a bit lately. Both in the mornings when I drop my daughter off at daycare, and when I reappear in the afternoons – presumably to steal her away from her friends and drag her off to the wretched confines of the prison otherwise known as her home.
Kids. They break your heart, don’t they?
But while the phrase does invoke a certain amount of sadness, it also gives me a sense of comfort – and beyond that, pride. Because I know it conveys her feelings of security and self-assurance, even when not in my presence.
It was recently – and rather harshly – suggested to me that, as a working mom, I perhaps feel envious of and/or threatened by my stay-at-home counterparts for the extra time they get to spend with their kids.
I’ve since made my peace with the person who dealt the blow – a SAHM herself – and no longer begrudge her for it. But I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt.
Like a punch to the gut, it left me feeling a little breathless as a fresh wave of working mom guilt washed over me. The same guilt that led me down the rabbit hole of postpartum depression nearly two years ago.
As the guilt passed, however, I was able to objectively consider the observation. Only to realize that there was once a great deal of truth in it.
Once.
But not anymore. I’ve come a long way, baby.
I do, however, still struggle mightily in my role as a full-time working mother. A role I feel I’ve never quite come to fully balance, resulting in the unsettling sense that I’m juggling two extremely volatile balls, either of which I’m in constant danger of dropping at any given moment.
Furthermore, it’s a role that only allows me to spend, on average, three quality hours each day with my daughter throughout a five-day work week. Weekends aside, that amounts to a mere 15 hours per week - barely a part-time job. And not always the fun kind when you stop to consider that most of those hours occur at the end of the day, when we’re both tired and cranky and not exactly the most ideal versions of ourselves.
I realize, of course, that this isn’t necessarily an issue for some working moms – namely, those who derive a great deal of personal identity and satisfaction through their chosen professions. Unfortunately, I am not one of those women.
In truth, I have always worked more out of necessity than to fulfill any real calling in life – writing not withstanding. With a fair amount of shame, I will admit that I simply never quite figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. And so I’ve spent my adult life wandering rather aimlessly down a meandering career path, with no real sense of where I’ve been or where I’m going.
So, it’s only natural that I should feel a certain amount of envy for the stay-at-home moms who spend their days with their children, while I in turn sit chained to a desk.
But I don’t feel threatened by them.
Though I may struggle to find my place in the working world, I don’t feel I’m necessarily suited to be a SAHM, either. Having endured plenty of sick days with Lil’ Bit, I’m well aware of the day-to-day drudgery the job entails – and tip my hat to those who do it full-time.
And while I often long for more than three hours a day with my daughter, I also find myself taking what feels like perverse pleasure in the daily reprieve from motherhood provided by my job – even as I bemoan its own fair share of drudgery.
Simply put, I’m an anomaly. A lost soul stuck in a modern-day feminist purgatory, unsure of which world suits me best.
But even as I wrestle with my own sense of identity, I observe Lil’ Bit becoming ever more comfortable with hers. For that, I must gratefully acknowledge, in part, the staff at her wonderful daycare facility, to whom I’ve written a letter as part of Tonya’s cathartic Letters For You series at Letters for Lucas. I welcome you to read it - even if writing it (or this post, for that matter) was by no means easy.
The simple fact of the matter is that Lil’ Bit thrives in her daycare environment – not only in terms of the socialization, language, and cognitive skills it’s helping to instill, but also in the sense of autonomy it fosters. From her eager requests to go to school each morning to the excitement with which she relays the high points of her day, she is clearly in a setting that makes her feel happy and confident.
Given that, I can’t feel threatened by the SAHM lifestyle, even if I do sometimes envy it. Because in spite of my own vocational misgivings, I know without a doubt that a well-rounded preschool environment is the best one for my child.
And so it is this knowledge in which I take comfort when Lil’ Bit abruptly dismisses me.
Just as it’s this knowledge to which I cling when, by contrast, she occasionally curls herself into my lap upon waking in the morning and tearfully speaks the only words that hurt worse than, “Mommy, go to work.”
Mommy? No go to work today.
Working mom or SAHM, what have you found to be the benefits of the path you’ve chosen? And the drawbacks?
Hello! I'm Kristin, a self-proclaimed city girl now living the rural life with my husband, daughter, and a black cat named Boo in eastern West Virginia – or as I like to spin it, the far western suburbs of D.C.
Welcome to What She Said, an irreverent blend of family, life, and humor. Because if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
I chose to stay at home for various reasons:
1. I was at a crossroads at my career at the time when we were talking about starting a family. It didn’t seem like I was going anywhere with the company and I just didn’t feel like going through the rigamarole of looking for a new job.
2. It’s Malaysia and daycare here is just not up to scratch. There are too many scary stories of neglected children.
3. I wanted to see if I could do it.
4. Once my son was born, I could not imagine not spending every moment with him.
I do question whether my staying home with him has impeded his ability to socialize as well as kids his age would be expected to. Is it just personality, or is it in part, the environment he’s in, in which he’s the only child, and he’s the centre of our universe (and knows it)?
I don’t know. I just know that I’m approaching pre-school years with a little trepidation and anxiety. Will he be okay? Will he do well? Will I be one of those helicopter moms (oh help no)?
So many questions, no good answers. Sigh.
I do think it’s brilliant that you guys are where you’re supposed to be and everyone is thriving.
Alison@Mama Wants This’s last awesome post…Sleep. No Sleep. Sleep.
You know, I once gave daycare virtually all the credit for Lil’ Bit’s socialization and language development. But at her 2-year well visit, her pediatrician told me that most of that could be attributed to her personality – along with how we interact with her at home, of course. And I realized that I was selling both Lil’ Bit and my husband and me short. It’s a combination of nature AND nurture.
My only advice for when Monkey starts preschool – and this comes from being both the wife and daughter of educators – is to be open to the different structures and routines to which he’ll be introduced. There are times when you’ll have to pick your battles (I have in our daycare environment) but choose them wisely. Don’t fight other authority figures simply because they aren’t you and may do things differently.
(Not that I think you would – just speaking in general terms.)
Twitter: kymmckay
I love this blog. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Kym. I know you “get it.”
Twitter: TheBeardedIris
Girl, I so get it. Ten years ago this month I quit a high level executive job (love/hate but $$$) to be a SAHM. And guess what, I bet you spend more quality time with L’il Bit each day before/after work than I do. So let that one go.
Sure, there have been benefits to me staying home. But do they outweigh the drawbacks? I’m not sure. I did once overhear my daughter say “When I grow up, I’m going to have a real job…” It pretty much broke my heart. She doesn’t see the supreme career sacrifice I made for her, she just sees me as an unemployed schmuck. So there’s that.
Anyhoo – you’ve inspired me. I’ve avoided writing about this. Maybe it’s time. Or maybe I’ll just lie down and eat bon bons while my kids watch Scooby Doo and I tweet about my bikini area.
Iris’s last awesome post…A Letter from My Future Self
I’ve come to realize that there is guilt and longing and self-doubt regardless of which side of the fence you fall. Even WAHMs or those who work part-time – both of which seems like ideal situations to me – seem to grapple with their own demons surrounding this subject.
You know, it’s said that God cursed Eve when she ate the apple in the Garden of Eden. Supposedly, the curse was the burden of childbirth (at least if I’m remembering my Bible stories correctly – it’s been a while). But maybe THIS is the real curse – the difficult choices that we have to make as both women and mothers. Or perhaps the curse didn’t end with childbirth, but instead extends to the sometimes painful dilemmas with which we’re faced in motherhood.
Wow. Where the hell did that philosophical train of thought come from?
I’m glad you made your peace with the woman that suggested you might feel guilty but that was the only part of this blog entry that troubled me. Here’s the deal: there are many different ways to raise children. What’s key is for families to decide what they want to do and then support each other through it. You’ve not represented anything in this blog to suggest that you and your husband do anything but work toward a common goal in building your family. I believe that the woman in question is incredibly insecure.
I really don’t want to get into any finger-pointing over what was said to me. Especially since the woman in question was at one time a personal friend who may or may not still read this blog. The comment I noted was one of many hurtful and unsettling statements that we spoke to each other in the context of an argument that cooled our friendship considerably (although I’m happy that after further discussion, we do remain cordial with one another).
In any case, my use of her comment in this post was not meant to dredge up anymore bad blood or guilt trip her in any way, nor was it meant to bash her – and I hope others will be respectful of that as well. It was simply a real-life example I used to illustrate a point that I’ve long been trying to come to terms with in my own mind. Because writing is the way I process these things.
I understand – I didn’t necessarily mean to focus on her but on people that make those types of comments but I see I didn’t do a good job with that (that’s why YOU are the pro writer!). The real point I was trying to make was that different things work for different families and they all CAN be successful.
Completely agree. I don’t doubt that my friend (former friend?) believes that, too. I try not to put a lot of stock into things that are said in the heat of anger, hurtful as they might be. (Even though, in this case, there WAS actually some truth in it.)
Twitter: msannomalley
My son is grown up now, but I actually did both when he was younger. I will always be grateful for the time I did have to spend at home with him. Once he became older and school, I found that I needed to be out of the house. Now that he’s grown up and on his own, I need to have something to that’s intellectually stimulating, and I’m not suggesting that SAHM’s and what they do are not intellectually stimulating. When you’re chasing after little kids and trying to keep sanity in the house all day, you’re just too tired for any kind of stimulation! If I hadn’t gone back to work when my son started school, I’d have gone back to school.
I agree with Bill. People who do question what other people do are insecure with *their* choice.
Good post.
Kathy Kramer’s last awesome post…Where is the Humanity?
LOVE THIS: “And while I often long for more than three hours a day with my daughter, I also find myself taking what feels like perverse pleasure in the daily break from motherhood provided by my job – even as I bemoan its own fair share of drudgery.”
Yes. This.
And if you are an anomaly, you aren’t alone.
Ryan (The Woven Moments)’s last awesome post…Potty Mouth
You have beautifully written exactly how I feel as a working mom. There are days that I completely envy those moms who stay home with their kids. Other days I am so grateful for the reprieve that work provides.
Some days are great and some days, like yesterday, I take my lunch at the end of the day because the kidlets tell me how much they miss me.
Jenn@Fox in the City’s last awesome post…Kids Are Amazing Because They Just Know
It’s a constant roller coaster of emotions. And just when I think I’m finally getting settled and achieving some semblance of balance, I get thrown for another loop.
Every time I show up a few minutes late for work because our morning routine hasn’t run as smoothly as I would have liked, I feel like a complete failure – like I simply can’t hack the working mom lifestyle. Yet every time I rush my daughter to get out the door – or worse yet, ignore her pleas for me to stay home altogether – I feel like a failure as a mom.
It just often feels like a no-win situation.
Twitter: briconstable
This is exactly how I feel. I could never have put it into words period but know that you are not alone. Without my income, we wouldn’t have a home. And if I stayed home, neither Bugs nor myself would be happy, let alone ourselves.
I am a product of daycare. At 20 I traveled the US for my job, alone, driving all over. Independence is just one great thing that Lil Bit and Bugs will learn. Cooperation, sharing, etc are others and I remain firm in my belief that it takes a village to raise a child. I love my village and am so blessed to have as many different hands as I do raising her. She will be a better person for it I am positive on this.
Great post, you shouldn’t have worried about starting a mommy war either
Very thoughtfully done!
This response brought me to tears. Thank you for the support. So much.
Twitter: KristenPGIP
I was a working mom and am now a SAHM but I find it a challenge. I don’t think I was meant to be a full time SAHM. I need something more for my brain. Don’t read this the wrong way, I love my girls and every second I get with them but I think I am a better mom for them when I am happy and feel satisfied. I try to grab freelance work and do some consulting and I know I can feel the difference when I am working on a project. I feel more confident. I feel more focused and I think that just leads to better parenting for me. Loved this post, Kristin. As always, you put into words what I couldn’t. xo!
Kristen’s last awesome post…Which Wolf Are You Feeding?
I often think a work-at-home and/or freelance environment would be ideal for me, but I don’t know how to make that transition in a way that would allow us to maintain the same income we have now.
I’d like to use this blog as a platform for freelance work and/or a career change, but it requires so much time in and of itself that I rarely have a chance to pursue other opportunities. And yet I don’t feel like I can take a step back from it because it’s essentially my portfolio (plus I lurves it like a second baby).
So. Here I am. Unless I choose to forgo sleep or someone finds a way to add approximately eight more hours to the average day, that is.
This is something I think about all the time. All.The.Time. I have yet to divine any answers, though.
I know you know this- and I bet someone above has already commented too (I don’t have time, you see as I have 45345 things to do while I have some people napping)– but I MISS working so much. I miss having friends and a life and a job and a purpose outside of these four walls. I do love being able to be home with these boys- but omg there are days where I am just like WHERE DID I GO.
I don’t know what the answer is- as I have many working mom friends who feel the same way that you do. Both sides see the gamut of emotions. You are a wonderful mother and your daughter will respect and love you even more for the dedication that you give to her and yourself. I know I do.
I think every situation has its drawbacks – as well as its benefits. And it seems that no matter which side of the fence you find yourself, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I completely understand how you feel, though. As aimless and insecure as I feel in my career, I’ve often thought I’d feel the same way if I were to suddenly stop working altogether.
I don’t know what the answer is either.
Oh, I feel this same pain. The only difference is that I really love my job, so that does make it easier to handle. And I, too, have experienced enough sick days to know I couldn’t do it full time (which makes me feel a different kind of guilt, but I digress.) Yesterday I was the last to pick up Luke, so he was sitting by himself in the living room at my daycare….now, when I walked in, he walked up to me and gave me a huge hug, but still I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was sad that all the other kids’ mommies and daddies picked them up but not his. Which is stupid and crazy. But sometimes mothers are stupid and crazy.
Amanda Austin’s last awesome post…Magnet man
I have to admit, I also envy women like you who truly love and feel confident in their jobs. In fact, I probably envy them more than I envy SAHMs. I know it’s not necessarily easy to make the decision to leave your child each day to go to work, but I have to think it must be *easier* if you’re doing it for something that gives you a healthy amount of personal satisfaction.
And it’s OK to be stupid and crazy sometimes. That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway – since I do it every day.
“I have to admit, I also envy women like you who truly love and feel confident in their jobs. In fact, I probably envy them more than I envy SAHMs. I know it’s not necessarily easy to make the decision to leave your child each day to go to work, but I have to think it must be *easier* if you’re doing it for something that gives you a healthy amount of personal satisfaction. ”
THIS is EXACTLY how I feel. Exactly. Although I do believe the “grass is always greener on the other side comments” I would love to do something more meaningful, with less hours. Spend half the day at my meaningful job and half the day with my son. With…the same income! :/
I, too, never really found something I wanted to do (other than wanting to be a professional dancer, but, not everyone can dance for Janet Jackson, lol). So I sit here, at my accounting job, that is really slow during the off-season and really too busy during the tax season and wonder…what to do.
It’s my mother-in-law that watches my son, and people always say “oh that’s so nice, oh you’re so lucky”, yes, in lots of ways, but I also find myself resenting her because she gets more time with him and tells me things as if I wouldn’t “know” because I’m not there all day with him.
Glad I’m not alone, thanks for your post.
Ashley’s last awesome post…PMS
I think mom guilt (working or no) is a part of being a mom. I’m a working mom of two little boys, 40 months and 9 months respectively. I’m a teacher, a grad school instructor, and a freelance writer. I’m also lucky enough to be home with my boys every summer. I feel guilty during the days when I go to work, and then I feel guilty during the summers when I spend all day cleaning poopy and yelling at them to stop destroying things. I think I’d feel guilty no matter what.
I’m lucky enough, however, to get a lot of fulfillment out of my job, and derive a large part of my identity from it. My boys were in daycare until about a month ago. My husband quit his full-time job to be a part time therapist in the evenings. This means he’s a stay-at home daddy now. He’s getting used to the drudgery and the sense of never accomplishing much. A part of me is jealous when I know he’s taking them somewhere special.
We’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about what it’s like to stay at home. My husband says it’s nothing like he imagined it. Since I have three months off every year, I know what he means. When he was working, he worried about not seeing the boys enough. Now he worries about spending all day cleaning messes and dealing with temper tantrums.
The one thing that drives me crazy is when moms judge one another. Whether we work or stay home, it’s a sacrifice, and everyone has to find her own balance.
Melissa E.’s last awesome post…Arboretum Trip with Daddy
I’ll admit to being inwardly judgmental of other parents at times – at least in the sense that I’ve thought, “I wouldn’t do that.” I mean, come on – we’re all only human, after all. It’s hard NOT to have such thoughts. But outwardly, I try very hard to be respectful of others’ decisions, even if I don’t agree with them.
That said, I will never understand the working mom vs. SAHM debate. There is clearly no one “right” choice in the matter, as every child and family dynamic is different. Everyone just needs to do what’s right for them and for their kids.
I’m glad you guys are adjusting well to your “new normal.” And it’s also somewhat of a reassurance to know that dads also grapple with these issues. It’s all just part of the beauty and the pain of parenthood, I suppose.
I got pregnant one month after my wedding, having just bought a house and incurred debt paying for the wedding.
Bill and I never even considered the option of my staying home, although in the back of my mind I had perhaps hoped to. It wasn’t a “reasonable” discussion.
When Jack was born, I was shocked to discover that in my head, I was thinking which arm I could sell to stay home with him. I didn’t say this out loud, however. I didn’t want my husband to feel guilty that I *had* to work.
I realize everything is a choice. We could have sold our newly-purchased home and moved somewhere less expensive; my husband could have sought another job although he was in a great position with much potential.
But he is in sales. My job meant guaranteed health care; it was a mortgage-cover-er should he lose his. So. I worked full time. We paid off our debts. We had another child and I went part-time because we felt I *could*.
I couldn’t help thinking in the back of my mind that I had missed my one chance at being a stay-at-home mom. That as a part-timer, I was caught between two worlds:
I didn’t join mother’s groups or kiddie classes because I wasn’t home long enough each day to fit them into our schedule. I didn’t have breaks to connect with co-workers because I was always rushing to and from daycare.
My life was wonderful and I’m not complaining; I’m just saying that every situation has its compromises and challenges. We rationalize, we worry, we keep secrets in our hearts we don’t share: about how we REALLY feel, what we REALLY want, what we fear most.
Three years ago, my husband suggested I try my hand at writing and I took a leave – left the working world for the first time since I was a teenager.
And guess what? I still feel guilt. Every day. That he bears the sole financial burden of the family; that I am living my dream while he works long hours to support us.
I have felt guilt since the moment I loved another person who loved me back. I’ve come to believe that guilt is an inextricable part of being a thoughtful, conscious person who is aware of others and their needs.
We just have to be careful to not beat ourselves up too much or take out our stress on others.
(To that end, I admire the balance in post this a lot, Kristin.)
julie gardner’s last awesome post…Today call me wondering
“I have felt guilt since the moment I loved another person who loved me back.”
Oh my, this took my breath away a little bit. As did what you said about keeping secrets in our hearts. You so “get” me.
I’ve come to realize and even take a small amount of comfort in the fact that there is guilt on all sides. No matter which decision we make as women and mothers – to work, to not work, to work at home, to work part-time – there will always be questions and self-doubt and, yes, guilt to nag at us. As I said to Iris in my reply to her comment, I’m beginning to think it’s all part of the curse God placed on Eve when she bit into that damn apple.
Thank you for your compliment about the balance of this piece. It was very important to me in writing it that I maintain balance and fairness surrounding this issue – the last thing I wanted to do was fan the flames of the so-called Mommy Wars. I was very nervous about publishing it and have been truly touched by the outpouring of empathy and support. Thank you for yours, my friend.
I am so like you, so like you. I don’t begrudge any of my SAHM friends at all. But I wish I were one. My job offers no enjoyment (though a year ago when I started it I thought it was exactly what I had been looking for as I went from job to job, no career in sight). I work out of necessity only. And there are days when I could cry just as hard as my 2 yr old when he’s dropped off. There are days I HAVE cried after dropping him off. While yes, there are certainly days when I am glad to be able to come here for 8 damn hours, I really only see it as keeping me away from what I actually want/need to be doing more. And that’s not a jab at any other mother (the use of the word “more”). It’s a word specifically used ot describe ME and how I feel about my work situation. If I didn’t absolutely have to? There’s no way I would (although I don’t think I can say this without one caveat: if I found a job where I could use my degrees (since they are where most of my debt lies) I just might change my tune.
Arnebya’s last awesome post…BlogHer Syndication
I do think that I might feel more secure in my role as a working mom if I could just figure out exactly what it is I want to do… and then do it.
I’ve been at my current job for four years. At times I like what I do; other times not so much. It really depends on the day, the week, the task, and my overall mood. I also really like the town and the setting in which I work, the people, and the general logistics – my commute is only nine miles and I’m a 1/2 mile away from daycare.
In short, I’m comfortable here. But it’s not my passion. Which makes it hard for me to get truly excited about what I do. Meanwhile, I look at my boss – a woman I genuinely like and respect and who has been very good to me – and see that this IS her passion. And so I feel guilty – like she deserves better. Which only adds to my lack of confidence in myself in this area of my life. Which then brings me back to, “But what exactly is it that I DO want to do?”
And to that, I just don’t have an answer.
Threatened was an interesting choice of words. I can’t really see anyone feeling that way.
I’m a WAHM and I often feel bad that while I’m home with my kids, I’m not really present for them.
Shell’s last awesome post…Pour Your Heart Out: It’s Not All Doom and Gloom
I actually understand what she meant when she used the word “threatened.” I can’t really put it into words (at least not without some time and thought) but I do understand and can see how someone might feel that way – on either side of the fence.
I’ve also thought that perhaps the WAHM lifestyle would be ideal for me – but at the same time, I’m beginning to see that it comes with its own set of issues. You’re not the first WAHM to say so.
I’m beginning to think that a certain amount of guilt and self-doubt is universal to all situations – and inevitable as well.
Good for you! I had some guilt in going back to work after my ML ended, and again in the fall when I found a new job. But I like working. I like earning money for our family, and I know that being a SAHM isn’t for me. I’m too restless. And I went back to work for my daughter, too. So I can give her more opportunities, and so she sees that there’s more than just “wife” and “mommy” in her future. She is growing and thriving at her sitter’s, and I know we made the right choice, too.
Angie’s last awesome post…PYHO: I’m doing okay.
I try to – and generally do – look at working from the same perspective as you. But I think it definitely helps when you feel confident in your professional environment. For me, that’s the biggest struggle.
I love you. I love reading everyone’s stories on this subject. You’ve read mine so I won’t go into it here. So for now I’ll just tell you that you have great boobs. xoxo
tracy@sellabitmum’s last awesome post…The New Egg Hunt Rules for 2012
I know you know. Just like you knew this post was a long time coming.
You are brave to take on this inner conflict publicly and it astounds me. It will not only serve you and your family well, but also others who struggle with the same issue. And I am sorry this journey has brought you pain…but the growth you have experienced is apparent here in your writing and it’s beautiful. Many live very long lives without such examination.
Sperk* (Kimberly S.)’s last awesome post…Wednesday’s Woman: Impacting Families
This comment truly touched me, Kimberly. I feel like you peered right down into my soul with what I was hoping to accomplish in writing this post. Thank you so much.
Exactly. Yes. The daily struggle of wanting to spend more time but knowing she’s probably better engaged and fulfilled. Right there with you, lady, on that one.
Did you ever go through a phase of her crying every single time you dropper her off at the daycare? That’s were we currently are. Partly because she was just switched from another daycare we discovered was not a good environment for her, so it’s a left over habit, and partly because…well…I don’t know. But the guilt is strong every single morning.
Krista’s last awesome post…Nuggets of Soul Food
Oh yes! In fact, last summer when she advanced to the next age group and was having a lot of trouble with the adjustment and separation anxiety, I would leave for work every morning thoroughly tied up in knots. My husband works in elementary education and had just gotten out of school for the summer. Finally, I called him in tears one morning and told him that he had to take over the morning drop-off for the foreseeable future because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was pretty much hysterical at the time – it had just gotten to be more than I could handle.
Eventually she adjusted and I went back to doing the drop-offs. But there are still some mornings when she’s feeling a little clingy and I wind up leaving for work with a lump in my throat. I’ve just sort of come to expect it at this point.
Being a full-time working mother is so hard sometimes. I have a love-hate relationship with it. It’s hard when I watch my 7 year old get on the bus (no longer looking back to wave goodbye) and the other moms stand around in their exercise clothes chatting… while I rush off to drop my 4 month old off at day care to start another long day at the office. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder what I’d be like to be a SAHM but I can’t think like that. I have to work to help provide for my family. I love my job and my family and one day at a time I try and balance it all. Thanks for the post… it is comforting to know I’m not alone.
It’s fortunate that you love your job, at least. Sometimes I think that if I truly loved or had a passion for what I do, it would be easier.
Not easy. But at least easier…
Awesome post. I’ve talked to lots of parents who have their kids in the full-time portion of the Montessori where both my kids have attended. And they feel, strongly, that when the environment is a safe, happy, loving one, then the guilt is greatly reduced. And it sounds like you’ve found that in your daycare. It has to help immensely.
And I? Think you do a great job juggling it all. From my vantage point.
Missy | The Literal Mom’s last awesome post…Fitting In
Ha! If you could only camp out inside my head for one day, you’d be singing a different tune.
But I have to agree about the childcare environment making all the difference in terms of guilt and comfort levels. I am immensely grateful to the wonderful staff at our daycare center for relieving some of the burden there.
Twitter: adriennesfts
The fact that your daughter has that confidence says so much about you as a mom. Ya know, those 3 hours you mentioned? I wonder how many women stay home, and don’t get that 3 hours in? Many, I’m sure. Myself included. sigh…Great post.
Adrienne’s last awesome post…Always
It’s these types of comments that make my throat catch a little and my eyes sting.
Thank you for that.
I would love to stay home with my kids but I need to work and while there are times I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot and that they’re missing out on me they have learned a lot at daycare. Now that the girls are in school fulltime it’s not so much of a big deal aside from my toddler home. And now I am tasked with finding a new daycare since my sitter has decided to do something else.
Jackie’s last awesome post…Wordful Wednesday ~ Bubble Fun!
Ah, the feeling that I’m missing out on important parts of her life – yep, that’s definitely the flip side to the pride and comfort I feel knowing that she’s happy and confident and gaining independence in a daycare environment.
On Friday, she tinkled in the potty for the first time ever at school. And I was devastated that I wasn’t there for it. Devastated. Over a little bit of pee!
You and me both, sister. Except I do get “why are you going to work? [sad face]. Either way, I think the guilt is the same.
I’m getting a little sick of working all the time, but I couldn’t be a SAHM either. Stuck right in the middle with you. At least the company’s good.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger’s last awesome post…On Life, Loss and the Universe’s Math
Thanks, my friend. We do seem to be in good – and plentiful! – company, don’t we? ::Sigh::
Twitter: acctodenise
I work part time from home and I feel very much the same as you do. I work mainly for the money not the gratification and do envy those that stay at home but when I was at home, I felt as if it wasn’t the best fit for me either. I too feel a bit like an anomaly. Thanks for sharing!
Denise’s last awesome post…I Needed This Today
I sometimes feel like a part-time or work-at-home environment would suit me best. But as you and others have indicated, there’s still guilt and other issues to grapple with there, too!
So, I don’t know what the answer is. Or if there even is one…
Twitter: juliahembree
I chose to be a stay at home and it was a very important decision to me that I made for a lot of reasons. It was the right decision for our family. But I don’t think it’s the right decision for all families, and I certainly don’t think less of working moms. I think both roles have rewards and challenges. In the end, if you are at peace with your decision and your little one is thriving, then you have absolutely made the right decision. No guilt about it. Neither lifestyle, that of the SAHM or the working mom, is one to feel threatened by, they are just different choices. And both of them are good choices; you just have to do what works for you.
Julia’s last awesome post…Words
Well said and I couldn’t agree more.
I identify a lot with how you feel. I often feel guilty about the hours that I spend with my children are at the end of the day, and as you said, we are all tired and cranky. My husband and I are lucky because he works from home and is able to be there for them a lot. But I feel like I’m missing out and am not there enough for them. Your analogy of trying to balance the two balls also spoke to me. It’s really hard.
Recovering Supermom’s last awesome post…Not Remembering the Pythagorean Theorem and Cutting Myself Some Slack
The balancing act is never-ending, isn’t it? It’s just so mentally and emotionally draining sometimes.
Not unlike parenthood itself, I suppose.
12 years and 3 kids later and I am still a working mom and still struggling with the working mom guilt. Today two hits:
1. After getting my two oldest off to school via their daddy school bus i went upstairs to get dressed for work and wake my youngest up. Out of the blue she complained about how we are not a “normal” family because we don’t eat breakfast together. Which is true because I usually sit with my older two while they eat and while she eats I run around getting ready. Broke my heart and of course question the routine i have established.
2. Did not get home from work until late my oldest two were already at Lacrosse practice. They got home around 8:00 and I spent maybe 15 minutes with them before they had to shower and get ready for bed. So much for quality time.
But at the same time I had a GREAT day at work. Really was sharp and presented some great ideas to my bosses. Totally torn.
So I totally get your post.
Those really good days at work really do leave you feeling like you’re on a high of sorts, huh? They sort of numb the guilt and self-doubt for a while.
Unfortunately, though, as with all highs, the crash is often hard and painful.
Not that I, um, know anything about being high. #Ididnotinhale
Twitter: kristen_alsfm
Well… as a recent SAHM – I found myself scrubbing dishes today. After I did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned the upstairs, organized the pantry, and other mundane tasks. I thought… what a glamorous life. I sometimes miss being important. And – honestly? I don’t know if we can handle going on one income. Let me check back in 6 months.
k’s last awesome post…Don’t Jinx It.
You’re very important as a SAHM! And don’t ever let yourself think otherwise.
I mean that.
And good luck in your newly single income arrangement. I really hope it works out for you guys!
Twitter: Kiddiepoolmommy
I love this post. I have been the full-time working mom and I’ve been the full-time SAHM and have been doing something in between for the past 9 months. I feel like I go over the pros and cons of each on a daily basis and rather than being a one-off decision, I feel like I end up remaking that decision and all the heartwrenching debate on a daily basis. And I hate it. I hate going through all of it over and over again. But there are so many good things and bad things on both sides that neither choice can be made without a fair amount of second-guessing myself.
Jennifer’s last awesome post…Picnics, Playgrounds, and Pantsuits
Exactly. Everything you said. I don’t know what the answer is. Or if there even is one.
As you hinted, we all struggle with our self identity! My ‘choice’ of staying at home was made for me by my company… after returning from mat leave I was laid off (telecom engineer with three university degrees and loving my job). After looking for a few months and not finding anything, we gave up the child care and I’ve been at home ever since. Although it was not my original choice, I do love the time I’m having with my little one. We do come across ‘difficult’ days – whether it’s the little one’s mood, my lack of adult conversation and/or SAHM ‘friends’, looking for a job that doesn’t have me traveling the world like I used to, concerned with others judging me for being at home, etc.). I certainly do have a hard time grasping the inevitable of having to go back to the working world one day and I’m often amazed with those who manage work and home! Kuddos to everyone who does work and have children – it’s a delicate balancing act!
That it is (balancing act, that is). You’re not the first mom I’ve heard from who had the choice to work or not made for them by their company – and then subsequently found it to be a blessing. While I would never wish that upon myself in the economy, the thought has crossed my mind that it would perhaps be easier (if no less stressful from a financial standpoint) than struggling with the guilt and balance of being a working mom.
These are the thoughts that flit through my head on the darker days.
Twitter: elainea
I’ve done both. I worked when my oldest was a “lil bit” and as you know, both have their challenges. Sometimes these days I wish I had a desk job! ha! And I imagine I will go back to work is some capacity as my children get older.
Anyway, I think this post was a wonderful telling of your personal situation and what is right for YOU and your daughter. And that is all that really matters.
Elaine A.’s last awesome post…PT stands for Pretty Tired.
Thank you, Elaine. This post was a long time coming and very cathartic in that it helped me sort thought a lot of conflicting emotions.
You know what I feel guilty about? The fact that I would rather be a SAHM – but not because it would be so much better for P., but rather because it would be better for me. I don’t like working on a schedule or having to be places or the office culture or having a boss. I don’t mind freelance, but finding enough freelance work has been tough these past few years. I’d stay home (and I’m not bad at it, either) to fulfill my selfish wish to spend all my time with P. (where she is much better socialized after having attended daycare for a year)… my selfish wish to meander through our days like we used to, doing whatever suited us best… my selfish wish to not be tied to full or even part time work…
That’s what makes me feel guilty. That my wish to be a SAHM is so much about me and not about her.
Christa the BabbyMama’s last awesome post…We All Knew Summer in March Couldn’t Last
Rest assured, you are not alone. I’ve had virtually all those same thoughts – especially re: working in an office setting. I’m not much for structure or workplace politics, either. And I’ve felt the guilt for having such thoughts, especially knowing that they’re borne out of selfishness as opposed to what’s best for my daughter. So, I found myself nodding along while reading your comment. Thank you so much for sharing.
This post touched my inner core because I too have had this working mom guilt/struggle conflict for two years now. I am envious of my multiple SAH mom friends and bitter. I haven’t found peace the way you have. I’ve even neglected some friendships because of it. I’m a full time working professional and have twins. I miss them constantly but do like my work as well. My boys were preemies and their 3 mo hospitalization after birth ate up my maternity leave as well as bed rest prior. I feel I’ve never been given an opportunity to just be home with them. I feel so guilty and saddened by missing time with them. If I work now I may have alot more time with them in the future in which they will remember, but they won’t be small anymore. Its just not fair. You write very well and I look forward to reading more of your work.