Guide me, O Lord, that I may refrain from oversharing on the Internet every blessed detail of the trials and tribulations of potty training; May neither Blog nor Facebook nor Twitter bear witness to my joy at the sight of poo in the potty, nor my frustration over the invariable pee-pee in the pants.
Dear God, grant me Restraint and Self-censorship, that friends and family and loyal readers alike may be spared the tedious ramblings surrounding potty trips, soiled underwear, potty schedules, soiled carpets, business done in the potty, unfortunate-yet-inevitable accidents, soiled furniture, number of books read or songs sung while on the potty, and/or how many stickers were awarded each day for going tinkle vs. chocolate treats for doing poops. May such rhetoric instead be contained to phone calls with grandparents, for this is why Thou created them.
Bestow upon me the knowledge, O Lord, that the only people who give a damn what kind of underpants my little girl is wearing are the pedophiles who may at some point in their miserable lives be busted in a massive child pornography sting. But should these pervs somehow elude the watchful eye of Chris Hansen in collaboration with the FBI and now come a-creepin’ courtesy of SEO and the Almighty Google, may Thou conjure a rabid honey badger to suddenly appear and chew off their junk. Because honey badger don’t care, Lord. He just don’t give a shit.
And be my conscience, God, that I may pause and reflect before [again] posting to the World Wide Web a photo of my child sitting bare-assed on the toilet, no matter how cute her expression, and instead ask myself, “Would I want to be violated like that?” (And Lord, that the answer be no – because let’s face it, some people are into that sort of thing.)
Indeed, Almighty God, help me bear in mind that one’s time spent in the bathroom is both sacred and private. And that the topic of bodily waste is neither adorable nor appropriate to the world at large, even when framed in the context of a toddler’s baby-soft bum, as opposed to a grown man’s giant, hairy ass.
And finally, Lord, may I look upon my child at times with objective eyes rather than maternal ones, that I should see her no longer as an infant, but as a little person – one with genuine thoughts and feelings and an unmitigated right to basic privacy.
Hear these pleas, O Lord, and lead me not into Stupidity. For it is in Thy name I pray, forever and ever.
Amen.
Did you set any personal guidelines for what you would and would not share online with regards to your kids and that most sacred of acts performed in the bathroom?
Hello! I'm Kristin, a self-proclaimed city girl now living the rural life with my husband, daughter, and a black cat named Boo in eastern West Virginia – or as I like to spin it, the far western suburbs of D.C.
Welcome to What She Said, an irreverent blend of family, life, and humor. Because if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
Well, now I have giant hairy ass and honey badger in my mind, thank you.
Hilarious prayer, my friend!
And no, I don’t think I intend to share details of potty training. Only boast the end result. When that happens.
Alison@Mama Wants This’s last awesome post…This Is About Blogging . . . Sort Of
I aim to please.
Twitter: L8enough
I posted a youtube video up of us doing the potty song and dance but not anywhere near the potty, which may have been kinda confusing for the kids now that I think about it.
Good luck!
Alex@LateEnough’s last awesome post…More Popular Than My Attempt At A Facebook Cover Photo
I remember that video and thought it was hilarious. Confusing or not, that is nowhere near “oversharing,” IMO. Believe me, I’ve seen oversharing… and it isn’t pretty.
Twitter: supermomboots
I have discussed potty training before but only in the context of being at the end of my rope and badly needed some advice and some support. And I don’t know what your parents are like, but mine were no help whatsoever! I do agree that children have a right to privacy and I try very hard to keep that in mind. I am fairly certain I have done a good job so far. I know there have definitely been some things that I would badly have liked to share, either for the entertainment factor or to vent and get advice, but have stopped my fingers from flying over the keyboard by asking one simple question, “Does this have the potential to hurt or humiliate them in ten years?”. If the answer is yes, I do not publish.
Oh, and thanks for the honey badger and hairy ass visual. It was lovely
Stephanie’s last awesome post…Living a Whole Food Life
I think that’s a very good guideline, Stephanie – one that I use as well.
And you’re welcome! As I told Alison, I aim to please.
Twitter: juliahembree
Love!!! The potty training thing has finally been accomplished in our house…it’s just such an exciting time! (sarcasm, tear)
Good luck!
Julia’s last awesome post…Button Up My Buttons Babe
Oh, lucky you! We’re working on it – for a while, the will was there, but the plumbing and the wiring weren’t quite connected. But in the last two weeks, we’ve made great strides.
Twitter: latorres
Hahaha! I think I kept our potty talk to a minimum, although I did post a huge PEE PEE IN THE POTTY!!!!!! on Twitter. What? I was excited. But I don’t think I blogged about it until after it was done, and even then I put a smiley face icon over Claire’s butt.
But for real, I had a post where I put up some pics of my girls where they happened to be wearing just their undies. There were no blatant undie shots, and used my maternal judgement. But not long after that I started getting keyword searches for “imgsrc: panties” and every one of them led to that post. So I had to go back and look at everything through the eyes of a psycho perv, and I took most of them down. I hate the internet sometimes.
Leigh Ann’s last awesome post…What I {Really} Want for Mother’s Day
I know, right? It’s a shame that a few bad (and sick and demented) apples have to ruin our blogging fun. I think you did the right thing, though.
Oh I love this. Nope, never discussed potty training. Oh, by the way- there have been no diapers in my house for almost five months now…SQUEEEE! xo
tracy@sellabitmum’s last awesome post…Somebody That I Used to Know – The Minivan Version
You’ll understand if I hate you a little bit right now, yes?
We’re working in it. Hope to be diaper-free by this summer.
Twitter: marta28
Oh my god, how timely of me to have read this. I haven’t written but have been thinking all weekend of possibly posting about potty training (and whether or not its time to begin it) equipped with in fact a photo of my daughter on the potty.
I will now refrain from this.
Marta’s last awesome post…Biopsy.
I posted a photo of mine on the potty on my Facebook fan page last Fall. It was adorable (if I do say so myself). Months later, I looked at it again and suddenly thought to myself, “WHAT was I thinking?” My fan page is totally public. Not to mention, it was a total violation of her privacy. I keep forgetting that she’s not a baby anymore. Hell, she’s barely even a toddler anymore. She’s two years old – a little girl – and she has a right to do her business in private, just like the rest of us.
Twitter: KristenPGIP
It is freakish how amazing that prayer really is! That took some mad skills!!
Remember, God does not bestow unto us what we do not have the strength to handle…he never said how we had to handle it. Do what you need to do to get through it!!
Missed you! So happy to be sitting at my desk today!!
Kristen’s last awesome post…The Innocence Of A Child…
And to think – I don’t even go to church on a regular basis!
And the fact that I only have one child – and will ever only have one child – is proof positive that God does not bestow upon us that which we do not have the strength to handle.
Twitter: TheBeardedIris
Only YOU could pull off a spiritual post about pee and poop that also includes a honey badger “don’t give a shit” quote, references to pedophiles, junk-chewing, and hairy man ass, and the moniker: “the Almighty Google.” Friggin’ brilliant.
Leslie’s last awesome post…6 More Things I Learned at EBWW
I am a woman of many talents.
Twitter: idothefancyart
My husband, praise Ye the Lord, has a 6th sees dedicated entirely to privacy. I didn’t grow up with that so I have gained much wisdom from him.
It helps to be married to someone with a healthy internal filter. I’ve benefited greatly from my husband’s as well.
Twitter: Kiddiepoolmommy
You know, some people may not appreciate te potty-training posts but I find them very entertaining.
This had me laughing out loud! Once Baby S hits that stage, I don’t know that I will be able to completely skip the TMI potty info…but hopefully I can show a little bit of restraint. Just a little.
To each their own, right? I actually don’t mind potty training posts done right. But when you’re spilling every agonizing detail of your child’s attempts (and failures) at potty training, then IMO you’re crossing a line – and boring/horrifying/grossing people out in the process. (Speaking as someone who’s been bored/horrified/grossed out by the potty details I’ve seen people disclose.)
Well, you know I’ve violated the “do not discuss” and the picture. (although, can I get 1/2 an infraction there? It was really grainy and mostly about the toilet paper.) But. This was hysterical!! Loved every bit, especially the honey badger part. Awesome post.
Stacey’s last awesome post…Letter to My Son
Thanks.
I think we’ve all been guilty of oversharing about potty training at some point, myself included (as I alluded to in the post). But hey, if you can’t make fun of yourself, then who CAN you make fun of?
Yes, yes, yes! What a prayer! I wish everyone I know would read this!
Well, feel free to share!
(And thanks.)
This has me giggling REALLY hard this morning! I have yet to be led into stupidity for I believe only Jesus’ love for me hath shown me the proper way to disclose all things potty to those who don’t particularly care. And now I am outright laughing because I’m going straight to hell…amen hallelujah. (Wait, I did post a pic of Z with underwear on his head…WHY HATH THEE FORSAKEN ME, LORD)
Yes, it takes a lot of Jesus love to be able to present all things potty training in a creative way to those who don’t particularly care. Can I get an AMEN!
Thanks for the laugh. Clearly I totally lucked out with potty training with all 3 of mine b/c it was a walk in the park compared to what you describe. good luck in all toilet related matters!
Robbie’s last awesome post…Drop Off Drama
We’ve actually only been at it for a couple of weeks and it really hasn’t been all that bad – the plumbing and the wiring are connecting rather nicely, in fact. But it’s that need to SHARE my excitement over it – and the way I’ve seen others share theirs – that inspired this post.
Twitter: triingathlete
Amen.
i love that a hairy ass and the honey badger made it into this prayer
TriGirl’s last awesome post…Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Every prayer needs a hairy ass and a honey badger. Can I get an AMEN?!
Twitter: B4Steph
Funny, and very well said. Honey badgers, Chris Hansen, pedophiles and pervs all in the same prayer. All that’s left is for me to admire it. And I do.
stephanie’s last awesome post…No Chance to Say Goodbye
Oh, why thank you. It’s nice to know I’m admired as I head straight to hell.
Oh,I have definitely been guilty of a few potty posts. Though I would like to think I have focused more on my frustration and less on what’s coming out of her. Definitely made me smile. Good luck both with your prayer and your potty training!
No Perfect Words’s last awesome post…Quite Contrary
Potty posts, IMO, are all about the presentation. There’s a way to do them right… and there’s a way to do them very, very wrong.
Twitter: MayorGia
Hahhahahahah honey badger don’t give a shit. I love it. Hilarious.
Mayor Gia’s last awesome post…I Can’t Teach My Mom How to Drink Wine but I Can Teach Her How to Text
Why am I not surprised that was your favorite part?
I definitely talked too much about potty training on Facebook at the time. And I might have taken a picture of the first poop. But only because my husband wasn’t home to see it.
But my kid is totally adorable on the toilet
Michelle Longo’s last awesome post…Harpoon.
But did you SHARE that picture of the first poop? (Come on now, be honest.
)
I don’t doubt that your kid is totally adorable. They always are.
Only with my aunt and one friend. But the friend I told it was mine, which is a very long story.
Michelle Longo’s last awesome post…Migraine.
Twitter: WilyGuy
Very clever.
As my son prepares to graduate high school, we had a conversation about how I was adamant that no naked bath pictures would be taken of the kids. He is very thankful.
Your friends are also thankful that you don’t go into detail too often especially about potty training, lol.
WG
WilyGuy’s last awesome post…Pinky, the Travel Diva
Although the naked bath pictures DO come in handy when the kids get to be your son’s age and you can use them as blackmail material.
I’m sure my friends are very thankful for my restraint.
Twitter: kerstinauer
Great post!
I never worried about sharing any potty training with my son (I guess there was no Facebook that I was aware of 8 years ago and certainly no Twitter;)), he did all that sharing himself – his preferred method was taking a crap in the neighbor’s flower beds…
Kerstin’s last awesome post…Lost and found?
Sounds like you’ve got yourself a little exhibitionist!
And hey… just think of it as fertilizer.
Hilarious prayer, Kristin. I wish motherhood will be kinder to me when that it comes though we are not planning yet
jamie’s last awesome post…Two To Tango
They key to surviving the more challenging aspects of motherhood? Laughing through the tears.
Twitter: louiseducote
This is so brilliant! I hope zillions of mamas read it. I’m very grateful that I didn’t start blogging until my kids were eleven and nine, because therefore I can’t write anything I wouldn’t want them to read (not to mention that they’re my biggest fans). That’s all the censorship I need!
Louise Ducote’s last awesome post…Wanna Get High?
Those are the guidelines I adhere to, also – and not just with my daughter, but my husband, parents, friends, co-workers, etc.
And I hope zillions of mamas read this, too – so feel free to share!
This is pure gold!! And that’s coming from someone totally guilty of just writing a lengthy post on potty training (see below). In my defense it was more of a humor piece/slash cry for commiseration and advice. I did use the words shit, crap, poop, defecation and zoo animals, but the only pictures I offered were of Dr. Freud. Forgive me lord!
Kim at Mama Mzungu’s last awesome post…Poop post
OK, your poop post, while… er, blunt, was hilarious. I actually laughed out loud envisioning Caleb being scared at the sight of his own poop. Plus, you offered a disclaimer at the beginning that essentially said, “I know this is a major faux pas, but I’m doing it anyway.” That’s fine. It’s the people who vomit every agonizing detail of their children’s triumphs and failures in potty training as if people really want to read that shit (literally) that drive me batty.
As is the case with everything in blogging, if you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all. And you? Did it fine.
Twitter: kristen_alsfm
great post. I know. I’m so tired o looking at naked kids. Great post.
kristen’s last awesome post…Close to Losing It
OK, I’m totally laughing at, “I’m so tired of looking at naked kids.” How completely random. And yet I know exactly what you mean.
My kids were ten and twelve when I started blogging. So thankfully, there was never a temptation to discuss this particular bathroom achievement.
I have, however, refrained from sharing details of puberty. And for that, I am proud.
And also a little freaked out, by the way.
So I wish all you potty-training mamas much luck in about a decade. Because it’s good times for sure.
Just please don’t blog about it – ha!
julie gardner’s last awesome post…Today call me well-examined
Puberty is almost as scary as potty training (from what I remember), so I applaud your restraint.
Twitter: iamnotthemaid
I managed to refrain from posting any graphic and unnecessary potty training recaps on my blog. It was hard though because while you’re in the middle of it, everything revolves around potty training. I had nothing else to talk about. Haha!
Delilah’s last awesome post…Finding My Voice
Preachin’ to the choir, sister. That’s why I wrote this post. Now I have something by which to hold myself accountable when I’m, er… tempted.
Twitter: meganlawing
This was great! So funny! I doubt my 1 year old would appreciate his bathtub photos on my blog either… but MAN aren’t they cute?!?
They are. They SO are. But I just try to think about how my daughter would feel about that sort of thing 10 years from now.
And also about the creepy perverts.
Twitter: kdwald
When I started blogging in a more personal way rather than purely neighborhood as I did back in Brooklyn, I promised myself that I wouldn’t write things embarrassing or even too cutesy about my kids. I haven’t always stuck to the cutesy ban…but I’ve tried to think about what would be embarrassing. Especially to a kid who might turn out to be shy or self-conscious or less confident. I would have been MORTIFIED had people in my school found out stories from my childhood during junior high. And who knows how much of these weblogs will survive.
I tweeted a few times during our first weekend of potty training – but they were mostly about me and my husband, not my daughter. Still, I decided to quit it because it’s such a private thing and I felt I didn’t have the right to share it. And does anyone really want to her it?
Kristin’s last awesome post…Rage Against the iPad
With regards to your last line, no. And that’s what I try to remind myself of when I get the urge to overshare. (And I do.)
Plus, like you, I always try to think about my daughter’s feelings. Now that she’s getting older, that plays into my blogging quite a bit.
Twitter: sensiblemoms
This prayer channels Tina Fey in the best possible way. When you are in trenches doing the potty-training thing, nothing feels more important or immediate—so much so that when someone asks what you are doing and you answer potty-training, none blinks an eye. We get it. The line about what to share on the internet is a blurry, shifting one for sure. This was a tongue in cheek send-up of the larger issue that shadows us all— how much is too much? Ellen and I actually have our older kids look over any mentions we make of them. I have only had to hold back once so far, but I respect my son and his boundaries. It’s wonderful to respect her as a person but for she fully develops the autonomy and self-knowledge to decide what she would want you to share. Erin
Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms’s last awesome post…“No” is a Brussels Sprout
THANK YOU! You’re the only person out of 30-odd commenters to pick up on the Tina Fey homage. (Although I was worried people would think I was ripping her off.) She was my muse for this post – I LOVE her “A Mother’s Prayer for her Daughter.” I only wish this post could’ve gone viral like hers.
And yes, this was most definitely tongue-in-cheek and can (and does) certainly apply to larger issues about what is appropriate to share and not share about your kids online.
Twitter: sensiblemoms
Congratulations on a potty post that made me laugh out loud! Good luck to you and yours. I swear she won’t be wearing a diaper as she accepts her high school diploma.
Ellen
And yes, my 11 and 13 year olds politely requested that I don’t discuss their bathroom habits with the interwebz.
SIsterhood of the Sensible Moms’s last awesome post…“No” is a Brussels Sprout
Thanks for the reassurances, Ellen. And I’m honored that I got both you AND Erin commenting this week!