I didn’t think I’d cry.
I had said my goodbyes months earlier, sitting in the floor, folding and packing away piece after piece of infant apparel, pausing occasionally to bury my face in a onesie and take in the sweetly musty scent of newborn baby. Each outfit seemed absurdly tiny, yet I tearfully reflected on how they had all swallowed Lil’ Bit at various stages throughout her babyhood as I remembered passing the time during my maternity leave with daily fashion photo shoots.
The clothes, ranging from newborn to 12 months, had resided since then in large plastic bins, serving no purpose other than to take up space. So, when daycare announced its annual charitable Christmas re-wrap, it seemed like the perfect chance to both de-clutter and donate to a good cause. And thus, a decision was made.
Having reserved a few carefully-chosen outfits that held special meaning, I steeled myself to let go of the rest – and the possibilities they held. I was at peace with the decision. And yet, the tears still came as I handed the bins of clothes over to the director of our daycare center.
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled, embarrassed. “It’s not the clothes. It’s just the finality of it all.”
And there was indeed an air of finality in the act, as it symbolized a significant decision for my husband and me – namely, our choice to not have anymore children.
We, it had been decided, were one and done.
A Bump in the Road
I had always assumed I would have two kids – no more, no less. Two was simply what I knew, having grown up with a younger brother myself.
Hubs, on the other hand, was perfectly content with having only one. This had long been a point of contention in our relationship whenever the topic of family planning arose, but we eventually met in the middle, each of us agreeing to consider the other’s perspective.
But first we had to get the ball rolling.
Lil’ Bit was a dream baby. Sweet, adaptable, and even-tempered, she ate well and – to my surprised delight – began sleeping through the night at five weeks old. I was utterly in love with her, with motherhood, and with infancy itself.
Around 18 months, however, the headstrong toddler within began to emerge and even dominate that sweet-natured baby. I admit to struggling through this transitional phase and found myself feeling strangely nostalgic for the bygone days of spit-up, blowouts, and round-the-clock feedings.
Hubs, meanwhile, came into his own as a father during this time and seemed in no rush to have another baby.
But just as I was beginning to accept Lil’ Bit’s impending toddlerhood and the new realm of parental gratification it would bring, I found myself with reason to believe I might be pregnant. When I said as much to Hubs, he responded with what could politely be called “practical concern,” as opposed to the excitement with which he had greeted my first pregnancy. And I was crushed.
“You don’t want another baby!” I raged. “You never have! You’re comfortable! Resistant to change! YOU’RE JUST SCARED!!!”
I hurled one accusation after another at him, and later seethed with resentment over the cold sense of trepidation I felt as I awaited the results of a pregnancy test. But along with the veritable flood of relief that washed over me at the sight of the words Not Pregnant, came a startling self-revelation: Neither my trepidation nor my relief were for him.
They were all me.
Shifting Gears
It was a classic case of projection. In all honesty, I had grown quite accustomed to our lifestyle with one child and the relative flexibility it offered – financially and otherwise.
As I entered my late thirties, in fact, like all old people I found myself becoming more set in my ways and increasingly intolerant of changes to my routine. Thus, the thought of upsetting the delicate balance of our lives with a toddler by introducing a new baby into the mix left me feeling anxious.
What if a second child turned out to be the exact opposite of Lil’ Bit? We had gotten it so right the first time around – why tempt fate? To say nothing of the fact that I didn’t particularly relish the thought of attending my youngest child’s college graduation at almost 60 years old.
And these somewhat frivolous concerns paled in comparison to the very real ones associated with heightened risk factors for pregnancy in women over the age of 35. I enjoyed an easy pregnancy with Lil’ Bit and had no cause to believe a second one would be more difficult; and yet, I couldn’t shake my feelings of fear and unease associated with doing it all over again.
Furthermore, as I continued to watch my daughter grow and thrive, trivial worries surrounding the only-child stereotype began to fade. Through forces of both nature and nurture, I realized she would in no way be spoiled, lonely, or antisocial. Besides, I ruefully noted reflecting on the often-tenuous rapport I share with my own brother, not all sibling relationships are close.
Moreover, I felt satisfied; fulfilled completely by this happy, bright, funny and articulate individual emerging before my eyes. There was no trace of the emptiness I had felt before she entered our lives. I was perfectly content with just her.
And yet, something dark lurked beneath this sense of satisfaction, preying on my greatest fear as a parent and tethering me to the notion of having another child. A rationale too shameful to think, much less speak out loud. Even with gentle prodding from my own husband, with whom I feel I can share anything, the words caught in my throat:
What if something should happen to her – our only child?
Of course it was ludicrous – you can’t stockpile kids. Nor could an additional child or children ever serve as a replacement for one who was lost.
But would he or she or they not provide a sense of comfort and purpose?
Something to live for?
Yes, my husband agreed – but then quietly added that this was not reason enough to have another baby. We can’t live our lives based on fear and what-ifs, he reasoned. And I knew he was right.
He had drawn these conclusions long ago, confident and steadfast as he was in his desire to have only one child. A desire I now realized I shared.
Still, it took me several more months to reconcile the guilt, shame, selfishness and, yes, cowardice I felt as a result. After all, our baby-obsessed culture had ingrained in me the notion that it was my biologically inherent privilege to bring forth life from my womb over and over again. And here I was, willingly and consciously defying the gift.
But I was done. One and done. And cultural perceptions be damned, I had made my peace with it.
Coming Home
On the morning of New Year’s Eve, I brought yet another batch of Lil’ Bit’s outgrown clothes to our local Goodwill store. This time the tears were expected. And so I sat in my car and let them flow.
I cried at the sight of the boxes I had lovingly packed with not-so-tiny-anymore clothes, now sitting discarded beside the loading dock. I cried for phases past, present, and future, so fleeting in nature and not to be recaptured. I cried over the knowledge that I would never be mom to a boy, and for the overabundance of incredibly awesome baby names I wouldn’t get to use.
I cried from a sense of relief and absolution. And from fear. And maybe even a few remaining wisps of doubt.
I cried for the finality of it all.
And then I dried my eyes and drove home to greet a new year with my little family of three.
Next week, I’m pleased to have Leigh Ann from Genie in a Blog, Kristin from Taming Insanity, and Elena from Ciao Mom here to share their own stories surrounding their decisions to grow (or not grow) their families – and how sometimes fate makes the choice for us. Meanwhile, if it’s not too personal a subject, please share your own story here.
Hello! I'm Kristin, a self-proclaimed city girl now living the rural life with my husband, daughter, and a black cat named Boo in eastern West Virginia – or as I like to spin it, the far western suburbs of D.C.
Welcome to What She Said, an irreverent blend of family, life, and humor. Because if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry.
You are speaking directly to my soul.
We haven’t made the official decision yet, but as time ticks by and it doesn’t seem like we’re going to really be able to have that second child before I’m 35, I wonder if we really even want another.
The pros and cons play out in my mind several times a week. I’ve grown tired of the dialogue.
It’s time, yes or no, do it or don’t, but I can’t make the decision because if it’s no, then there is that finality. And finality is not flexible, and I don’t do well with rigid!
Julie’s last awesome post…It was bound to happen
The ongoing dialogue is EXHAUSTING. That’s why, as hard as it is to come to terms with the finality of our decision (which is just human nature, I think), I have to admit there’s a sense of relief in it. Now when the dialogue starts up in my head, I can just squelch it and say, “Nope. Not gonna do this. It’s done.”
Beautiful post. Not sure if you check it- but I sent you an email at your info@ address.
Just as an FYI for anyone who might be interested (because I know you already know this), but my info@saidkristin.com address links directly to my personal e-mail address. So, I see and will respond to all e-mails (unless you’re a spammer and/or an unscrupulous PR hack).
And hugs to you, my friend. I meant what I said last night – if you ever need/want to talk…
Nodding my head–and what a powerful way to describe the projection that I understand all too well. We just went through baby clothes–oddly enough, three days after my surgery, talk about final. Much love– xo
Elena’s last awesome post…Family Decisions about Hair
I’m sorry, Elena. That couldn’t have been easy.
I can’t wait to share your post here next week. It mirrors this one in so many ways.
Oh Kristin..wow. I can see why this was so hard to pour, why you cried and ached nd wrote but it is beautiful and right because it’s your choice.
I still don’t know how I feel at 42 having only the boys, I know how LUCKY I am to have any children at all but there is such a small part of me that yearns for a 3rd baby..a girl sometimes..another brother other times but the 3 being my magic and favorite number.
There will be no more babies, no more pregnancies and since my first and only one was wrought with fear, nausea and bed rest I cannt say I enjoyed being pregnant..at all. I long for that, to be less afraid, less sick, just less and becuase of it..MORE.
Thank you for writing this and for sharing it with us, it is giving me a lot to think about today.
Love your choices and YOU my friend. Xo
Kir’s last awesome post…100 Word Song: Let’s Runaway
I understand, Kir. It’s not an easy peace to reach,but I do hope it comes to you in time. In the meantime, while I know how blessed you feel to have the boys, there’s no shame in that yearning for another. Just know that.
Twitter: iamnotthemaid
Beautiful post Kristin! I could feel the emotions with every word. We struggled just to get pregnant, were told we would not have biological children without invasive infertility treatments. We adopted our boys and were absolutely satisfied with life as a family of 4. Then we unexpectedly ended up pregnant with my first daughter. 13 years after the initial infertility diagnosis, we are a family of 7! I wouldn’t change anything but I can say that had I never gotten my miracle, I would have been totally happy with my family of 4! Great post!
Delilah’s last awesome post…So What?
Thank you. And as for you, God works in mysterious way, doesn’t he?
Twitter: cyu888
This is so perfectly, beautifully and powerfully written. You’ve captured so many conflicting and complicated emotions that so many of us struggle with. Thank you for sharing your story.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf’s last awesome post…Guilty Pleasures
“Conflicting and complicated” is right! This post was amazingly difficult to write BECAUSE the emotions were so conflicting and complicated. Writing it was like fitting together pieces of a very intricate jigsaw puzzle. But now that it’s complete, I love it and feel like a great weight has been lifted. It was a post a long time in the making. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
This entry is heartwrenching, and I also struggled with some similar emotions when deciding to or not to try for a second child. Bill and I, as you know, made the opposite decision as Hubs and you, and are anxiously awaiting the arrival our second son. I feel anxiety and excitement all at the same time just wondering how much our lives will change, what kind of big brother Handsome will be, and what kind of baby Little Brother will be. I do feel like I am in a great routine with Handsome, and that is all going to change, but I think it will all be for the best! I see it when Handsome talks to Little Brother each night, says “I love you!”, and kisses my belly before he goes to bed. (PS- Feel free to share some of your awesome boy names with me, since you are not going to use them. We have a front-runner, but we have not made a final decision
)
Thank you, Julie. I have to admit, I do feel small pangs of sadness when I read about older siblings’ excitement over a new baby brother or sister, knowing that Lil’ Bit will never have that. But I try not to dwell on it too much. Nothing good could come of it.
As for baby names, we actually only had one for a boy – Harris Edward. Harris being my maiden name (and the name of my paternal lineage) and Edward being the name of Hubs’ father and grandfather. There was never any other consideration for us. Sorry. You’re still welcome to use it, though! Just don’t know how much sense it would make.
Now, GIRL names, on the other hand… Hubs finally got so sick of me running girl names past him that he told me to go to Build-A-Bear and make one bear for each name since they all come with little birth certificates.
I think girl names are so mich easier than boy names, too! We will pass on Harris Edward, but thank you for sharing it with me. You can go to Build-A-Bear and create a Harris Edward for Vivian
*much (Typing on my Nook can be challenging!)
We’re done at two. I know the reasons, we made a well thought out decision but…
Sometimes I’m overcome with the desire for another child despite all the logical reasons.
It passes. I blame the biological clock.
Kristin’s last awesome post…How Do I Like My Eggs?
Exactly. The yearnings still come, I hunker down and ride them out, and then they pass. Forever and ever, amen. ::Sigh::
Kristin, I have to tell you that this is so wonderfully written.
It’s an absolute beautiful post.
I don’t know our story yet. We just had baby boy #2, as you may know, and the hubs and I have always been of differing opinions on what comes next. He would be totally cool if we were done.
But the minute Charlie was in my arms I thought, this can’t be it.
I think it’s because PPD stole Eddie’s baby phase from me. This time I am loving it and bonding and it’s a gorgeous thing.
I want to have THIS again.
At least one more time.
But I am 34.
And the hubs is happy with two.
But….
But….
Sigh.
Katie’s last awesome post…growing
You’ll figure it out. And when you do, the relief and peace you feel with your decision will be immense. In the meantime, I’m so happy you’re enjoying Charlie’s babyhood in a way that you weren’t able to with Eddie. So, so happy.
Oh hon. Thank you for sharing your story. xo
I never even wanted kids and Eloise was more than a surprise. After her we never even had a discussion about it..and boom – 2 more. lol. If I were not 43 and hadn’t waited forever to be a mom…I’m pretty sure I’d have about 13 kids right now. But mainly just so I could have help around the house and such. (kidding)
tracy@sellabitmum’s last awesome post…Because I’m Not Busy
With the three you have, I can’t say I blame you! Eloise and Esther seem delightful and wise beyond their years, and that little Astrid is just too damn charming for words. I can’t help but think that if we ever got Lil’ Bit, Astrid, and Ilana’s Mazzy together for a playdate, complete and utter hilarity would ensue. The three of them are such characters.
Twitter: KimberlyAMuro
Beautifully written. It’s such an emotional decision for each person and you captured that here perfectly. I know that when I hit that finality of it all I will cry my eyes out every step of the way.
Kimberly’s last awesome post…Do We Have Time?
You touch on something here that’s actually surprised me (in a good way) about this post – the number of women that seem to be relating to it regardless of how many kids they have or want. You’re right – no matter how big or small your family, when you decide to stop adding to it, there is pain in that finality.
Twitter: tragicsandwich
I go back and forth on this all the time.
Tragic Sandwich’s last awesome post…Inside the Blogger’s Studio
It sounds like many of us do. I hope you can find some sense of resolution and peace.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
After #1, I wasn’t sure I wanted #2.
When he turned 1, I just knew that we weren’t done. I wasn’t done. And thankfully, the husband agreed.
Now, I’m pretty sure we’ll be two and through. Though we’re 5 weeks away from our lives getting turned upside down (again), I’m sure.
That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
Alison@Mama Wants This’s last awesome post…The Sofa
I actually just read Theta Mom’s post on this subject from last month, not knowing that she’d even written about it (because I’ve been a bad Theta Mom community member and haven’t been keeping up with her blog). Anyhoo. I agree with what she said – when you’re done, you’re done. And you just sort of know it.
Now, whether that knowledge comes in the form of calm logic and reason or freaking out about peeing on a stick after reaming your husband a new one over not wanting anymore kids is another issue entirely…
Well done for making this decision. There is so much pressure to have children, then once you have one there is pressure to have a few more. I think every family needs to make their own decisions on this. I’m glad you’ve found peace with yours. Plus I think giving away the baby clothes would make you a bit sad even if you had 10 kids.
Visiting from PYHO
Finding My New Normal’s last awesome post…We’re All In
Yes, there is something exquisitely bittersweet about packing up and/or giving away baby clothes, no matter how many kids you have.
Thank you for visiting. Love your “All In” PYHO post.
We’re at three and I think I will always want the fourth. I genuinely crave him or her. For us, the absolute ONLY reason we haven’t gone for it is finances. Should be a large enough reason, but I despise that that is the reason. Why didn’t I make better choices financially? We always said we’d have four and now the only reason we won’t (maybe) is b/c we’re pretty much tapped out money-wise already. And then that damn Mega Millions went and screwed up all my plans (to possibly then have six! Six babies! Seven!).
I’ve been trying to write a post about where I am with this for months. It’s too much. There are too many other factors that I can’t yet write about. I love how you break down your realization, how good you are with your decision. Because it’s yours and you own it. I wish I was there with accepting our three. I wish.
Arnebya’s last awesome post…Mirror Mirror. I’m Looking, But I Don’t Know Who I See.
You’ll get to a point where you’ve made a firm decision and are at peace with it. And then the words will come. Trust me – this post was almost a year in the making.
You’ll get there.
I can’t add anything to what Julie S. said so i’ll just say you are a very talented writer.
Thank you, Bill. And if you need help brainstorming baby names, I could always use a good fix. I *love* talking baby names!
Twitter: notmommyofyear
You shared your story brillantly, with beautiful emotion. Really, it’s so very touching.
Like Katie said, I’m not sure of our story. I hated being pregnant. HATED. And with the complications in my head and having to have C-section, I asked my OB to tie my tubes “while she was in there”. My husband wan’t as sure and the OB recommended against making that decision at the end of a complicated pregnancy. And it wasn’t more than a couple days after Cole was born that I was so very glad that I still had the choice.
We had a scare too about six months ago. And while I was mostly relieved that the test was negative, I was a litte sad too. Now, Cole is 1, Chessa is 2.5 and I’m pretty comfortable with what we have. We’re looking at moving and Craig is 10 years older than me, so I think we’re probably done, but really… I just don’t know.
Thank you for sharing your story and opening this dialogue.
Krista’s last awesome post…if you believe it
Thanks, Krista. I’m truly amazed and touched by the dialogue it HAS opened up – I had no idea this post would resonate with so many women, regardless of family size! It’s been amazing to me, as a blogger, to watch my writing get shared across Facebook and Twitter and, as a writer, to receive so many accolades and kind words of support.
And thanks for sharing your story. You seem happy and content with your family of four, and I hope that when you decide definitively that you’re done, you’re able to find peace in the decision.
Twitter: MelissaG813
My husband and I had always discussed 2 children as well. After our son was born, he quickly realized that he only wanted one. I was not willing to agree. Even through all of my PPD, the struggles I had with my dysthymic disorder rearing its very ugly head in the first 6 – 9 months of his life, there was no way I was going to have an only child. I am an only child, and I just couldn’t imagine having an only child of my own.
But, I started to waiver a bit. Like you said, I’d gotten used to our life as a family of 3. And I didn’t feel a yearning to have more children. I was happy, and content. The real moment of awakening came this past February. Babies R Us was having their big trade in sale, where you can trade in old car seats and get a coupon for a new one. My parents take care of my son every day and wanted to trade in their infant seat to get a bigger one, and when my mother expressed concern about then only having one car to be able to transport the little guy in I said, “well we have to put the convertible car seat in husband’s car anyway. so we’ll give you our infant seat to trade in too.”
A week later I realized, if I really truly wanted another baby, I probably wouldn’t have been so quick to give up our infant seat. Sure, we could buy another one, but I”m going to be 34 this year. If we were going to have another baby, we would be trying NOW, and we wouldn’t have gotten rid of that infant seat.
So since that realization, I’ve been at peace and happy. I love my family as is. And yes, I’ll cry when I actually do go through all of his little tiny clothes to donate or sell, but I’ll know in my heart of hearts that this is the right decision for our family.
melissa’s last awesome post…Pretty, pretty gems, moving all around…
I’m glad you’ve made peace with your decision even though, like me, it’s not the one you thought you’d make for your family. It’s not easy and there are still internal struggles, but it does feel liberating, doesn’t it?
And it’s funny how you said that, being an only child, you didn’t want to have an only child. I’ve noticed that when it comes to only children in general, this really seems to be a black-and-white issue – either they loved it or they hated it. There’s really no in between.
My completely unscientific observation, FWIW.
Twitter: MelissaG813
It is definitely liberating!! It is hard to accept at times, but it feels really good to just know!
I think I’m sort of in a grey area when it comes to being an only child. There were times I hated it, but there were times I thought it was fine or loved it. Honestly it is harder now, I think. Facing my parents getting older, knowing that I won’t have a sibling to help me with them. It’s really hard. But of course I also have friends with siblings that have no relationship at all, so I guess there are no guarantees.
melissa’s last awesome post…Bathroom Phase 2: It is so pretty!
We packed up the baby clothes and gave them to my niece. It was unbelievably hard. I totally respect your decision to have one child. I’ll tell you what: Three is hard. Three is more than I wanted. Would I change it? NO. But with each additional child I see how the others get less and less of us. Ryan got everything because he was first. Natalie is no where near where Ryan was intellectually at this age. Is this because I have an older child and her younger brother to take care of too? I feel like I’m cheating Justin out of all the snuggles and stories Ryan got because Natalie is always screaming for me in the background. Savor the time you have with the child you can give 100% of your attention to. I’m a Lil Bit jealous of you
Ali’s last awesome post…A Pinterest Warning For Everybody
Just as I am of you – after all, your kids will have each other as you and your husband get older and eventually pass on into that great big blogosphere in the sky. I do worry about that with Lil’ Bit – namely, that we’ll be a burden to her as we get older and then eventually leave her alone. But as I told a friend on FB, I have to have faith that she’ll have her own fulfilling life and family by then. Let go and let God and all that.
We recently made the decision to be done growing our famiily too. And no matter how big or small your family is, I think there is always some sadness in the finality of it. We have 7 children and my baby is 11 months old and part of me is so sad that he is it. But part of me is really excited to move to the next phase of motherhood. I have been at this baby thing for a long time now and I’m tired. But man, I love my kids! Wonderful post!
After seven babies, I bet you are tired!
Thank you for your perspective as someone who’s on the complete opposite end of the spectrum as me. It just goes to show that no matter how big or small your family, when you decide you’re done, it’s going to hurt a little bit.
Twitter: KeAnne
Beautifully-written post, and it’s something I have been thinking about a lot lately as my son approaches his 3rd birthday. I never wanted an only child but due to fertility issues, I’m grateful to have my son. We’d like to try for another, but for us, it’s primarily money that gets in the way. Although the older I get and the more time that passes, I’m not so certain if I want to start over with an infant. We kept a lot of his baby clothes because they were so precious to us after struggling to have him, but over the weekend, I emptied out his outgrown clothes and decided to donate them instead of keep them.
KeAnne’s last awesome post…Of Pharaohs and Sphinxes
It’s weird – for the longest time, I didn’t want to let go of the infant phase and really yearned to do it all over again. And then suddenly it was the exact opposite – I *didn’t* want to do it all over again, even though I still miss it.
So, basically? Motherhood really screws with your mind sometimes.
We are planning to have another but that brings out fear too. I worry we won’t be able to handle it- that we’ll never get a break, that we’ll upset the good thing we’ve got going. But I think that fear is good. Better to go into things without being naive.
But I totally understand your decision too. And I know plenty of only children that are perfectly happy well- adjusted people:)
Fear is definitely a good thing – rational fear, anyway, like the kind you have. All the fears you mentioned are totally normal and would be ones that I had too if we were to have a second.
Living in fear that something horrible is going to snatch away your child from you, on the other hand? Not so rational. I mean, it’s THERE, always lurking as every parent’s greatest fear. But it’s no way to live life.
Wow, this is really beautiful and powerful.
I wonder the same thing with us sometimes. We always talk about “when we have another” but what if we don’t? At this point we cannot afford a second child. I’m honestly just starting to truly enjoy being a mother to the one we have! I did not enjoy the newborn stage, although people say the second one isn’t as hard. He wasn’t a bad baby at all, to be honest…so I think the same thing — what if a second one hates sleeping and is colicy and cries all the time?
Time will tell but this is definitely eye opening.
Amanda Austin’s last awesome post…10 Celebrity Draw Something pics
I didn’t particularly enjoy the brand-new newborn stage, but once we got through the first month I was in my element. Far more than I ever thought I’d be. Which makes the idea of not doing it again admittedly difficult. But that’s just one phase out of a lifetime – I just try to keep that in mind whenever I get baby fever.
It’s funny – my husband just recently said to me, “I’m glad you’re not one of those women who wants to keep having babies just for the sake of always having a baby.” Translation: No matter how many babies you have, they’re ALL eventually going to grow up.
Some one told me once that we all mourn the children that we didn’t have in some way. Those of us with two boys or two girls may mourn the little boy or girl we never had. Even if you have 10 children, I think they may have a little sadness for the 11th one that never was. I think it is something in the surprise of what they would become. I know I to am at the point of having a dificult time of letting go of my boys clothes but I just look at my little ones and see how blessed with what I have and know that so much more is ahead of me. But I did allow myself that bit or mourning the little girl that I never had…… and just hope for girl grandbabies.:)
That does seem to be the theme that’s emerging here – no matter how many kids you have, when you decide definitively that you’re done, there’s sadness involved in the finality of it.
And I’m lucky to at least have three nephews.
Twitter: TheBeardedIris
Well I can definitely see why this is your Everest! But you climbed it, planted your flag at the top, and should absolutely do an obscenely celebratory dance on that flag pole for writing the hell out of it.
There are probably WAY more benefits to having one child than a gaggle. At least that’s what I tell myself every time I hear one of my three whining “STOP IT! I’M TELLING!”
Iris’s last awesome post…How Maroon 5 taught my daughter about rape.
I’ll tell you what – I’m freaking DRAINED. And ready for a celebratory beer. After this post and last week’s on letting go of working mom guilt, I feel like I’ve packed about a year’s worth of therapy into a mere week. And I’m ready to go back to “light and fluffy” for a while.
(But seriously – thanks.)
Twitter: juliahembree
I can not tell you how much I appreciate this honest and well written post. I always thought I would have three or four children. I was that girl obsessed with babies and often skipped social things to babysit. But I had a terrible pregnancy, delivery and recovery with my son, and am still emotionally recovering from it. I just don’t think I can go through any of it again. The hubs said he’d rather have on only child than adopt, and I’d rather have an only child than be pregnant again, so that kind of leaves us at one. But it is a huge point of contention between my husband and I, and my mother and sister have said some very hurtful things about how awful it would be for me to only have one. I have so many feelings of guilt, but I just know in my heart that I can only have my son. And I don’t think his life will be ruined if he doesn’t have siblings. Thank you so much for this post that touched my heart. I hope to find the words to explain my journey one day.
Julia’s last awesome post…Pending
I’m so sorry your mother and sister haven’t been sensitive to your feelings surrounding this matter. It absolutely drives me nuts when people offer “well-meaning” insight into exactly WHY I should have another and how I can’t POSSIBLY stop at just one. Trust me – that’s a whole other post unto itself. I’ve gotten it from acquaintances, neighbors, and even complete strangers. Fortunately, my family is awesome – they recognize that this is no one’s business but Hubs and mine and are very proud of our family of three.
Not to pimp out my blog, but could you maybe share this post with your mom and sister to help explain some of your conflicting feelings? If not, then – like I told you last night on Twitter – you’ll eventually find your own words to your own post. Maybe then they’ll understand. I know I express myself far better through writing than I do in person; it’s the way I process many of my emotions, and I think my family and friends who read this blog have come to have a better understanding of me as a result.
BTW, I’m so glad to “meet” another blogger from Richmond – my hometown roots!
Twitter: juliahembree
I so agree with you; the “well-meaning” advice from people about more kids is a whole other post.
It is not pimping out your blog at all; I truly treasure this post, your words, and your brave honesty. I have had the thought before that I almost need to write a report to submit to the people in my life who don’t understand where I’m coming from; it would make fielding the questions so much easier! I think I may share this post, and in the mean time continue to search for the words to express everything I have been through.
I also seem to be able to express emotion better through writing.
Yay Richmond! We actually grew up in Georgia, and just moved here a year and a half ago, but I really love this city! Very family friendly.
Julia’s last awesome post…Pending
Right now – financially- we can’t handle another but in my heart of hearts I know I’m not done. Hubby isn’t sure he wants more but he hasn’t said no either. We get so much joy from our son that having more just seems like it would multipy our blessings.
Diana’s last awesome post…PYHO – Self Appraisal
In that case, you’re not done yet. So, just keep enjoying your journey and your family, whatever size it winds up being.
Twitter: themommadiaries
Kristin, you are a beautiful writer! Enjoy your perfect little family of three
Kami’s last awesome post…Wordless Wednesday: It Makes The World Go Round
Awww… thank you, Kami.
Twitter: twitter
“Moreover, I felt satisfied; fulfilled completely by this happy, bright, funny and articulate individual emerging before my eyes. There was no trace of the emptiness I had felt before she entered our lives. I was perfectly content with just her.”
this is how i felt from the moment i laid eyes on my one and only. yet, i struggled internally for many months overy my decision. surly something was wrong with me that i didn’t want another child? uh, no. nothing wrong. nothing wrong at all. if anything, i think my girl is extra lucky as a result cuz she gets all of us w/out having to share us with siblings.
christina’s last awesome post…Wordless Wednesday: The jackpot
I also felt like something was wrong with me for not wanting another child – as if I was missing some inherently maternal aspect, despite already having one child. It took me a long time and a lot of soul-searching to realize that wasn’t the case.
Twitter: Kiddiepoolmommy
What a beautiful post. Every time I get near this topic the tears start to flow. I just keep packing the clothes up in those same plastic boxes hoping to avoid the decision for as long as I can. My husband has a spinal cord injury so in order to have Baby S (Little Boy K was from a prior relationship) we had to go through years of expensive and painful situations. Not to mention the difficulty of caring for two kids when one parent is disabled. Three might just be the straw that broke the camels back. But my heart still wants another. The writing is on the wall, I just don’t know how to accept it yet. Thanks for sharing your story.
Jennifer’s last awesome post…Are We There Yet?
I’m sorry to hear that, Jennifer. I’ve always felt that if you don’t *feel* done in your heart, then you’re not truly done. But in your case, there are other extenuating circumstances. So, I don’t know what the answer is there. It makes me ache for you.
Twitter: L8enough
I think it’s easy to get caught up in what our family “should” look like, and I, personally, have difficulty putting aside my ideal version of family and the reality or family. Congrats on wading through all that to find what is right for you and your family.
For me, I’m definitely done with pregnancy after 2, but I hope we adopt at least one child.
Alex@LateEnough’s last awesome post…Mooning Should Be An Olympic Sport
Thanks, Alex. I think you’re right – it’s hard to put aside that idyllic vision of a family of four, one girl, one boy (plus the cat, the dog, the white picket fence, yada, yada, yada). But not all families look the same; my family now is not the same one in which I grew up, and it won’t be the same as my next door neighbor’s or yours or whoever else’s. And that’s OK. I know that now.
I am in awe of your honesty here, Kristin…the things we sometimes think but don’t necessarily share, you have bared for us.
Anyone who’s read my posts knows that I’ve agonized over deciding when we were done. I don’t think it matters whether it’s after one child or three or four; there are people who just *know* and people who are on the fence…
My sister and several of my best friends KNEW how many kids they wanted without question and then went about doing that. (Their certainty was annoying to say the least
I didn’t know. I still don’t. But I’m 43. So. The decision has (probably) been made for me.
(See how I sneak in the “probably”? This is because I suppose stranger things have happened in this world and in my life. For sure.)
Still, I think your feelings when you saw the Not Pregnant on your test say it all…
And your family of three is spectacular. Complete.
Full of love. And then some.
julie gardner’s last awesome post…Today call me large
See? I knew my complete lack of internal filter would one day come in handy. The fact that it rendered you awestruck is good enough for me.
My goal here is to make over-sharing an art form.
This is stunning. I think about this all the time, especially the more I pack away my son’s outgrown clothing items and toys. I have tears because we are struggling to have a second and if it doesn’t happen, we too will be a family of three. And while we are still trying, I’m okay (I think) with that. Much love to you. xo
Tonya’s last awesome post…Raising Confident Girls
I’m sorry to hear that, Tonya. I’m glad you feel content to be a family of three if that’s what it comes to. But if you don’t feel “done” yet, then I truly hope you’re not. Sending the love right back to you. XO
I actually wrote about this very thing for PYHO not long ago..
http://www.mycrazybusylife.com/2012/03/levels-of-done.html
Natalie’s last awesome post…Are you packing?? Guest Post
I just read your post and it really resonated with me. Especially the part where you said that your husband’s refusal to even consider another was no better than you going off birth control behind his back. I wish I’d had that perspective and been able to use it back when my husband and I used to go round and round about this. Not I think it would have changed his mind – and, in all fairness, he was willing to talk about it, even if only to list the reasons he didn’t want another one.
And in the end, all of that doesn’t matter since we ultimately ended up on the same page.
And BTW? I loved being pregnant, too. All of it. LOVED it.
Such a beautifully written piece, one that is both heart wrenching & somehow peaceful at the same time – its such a personal decision & every family has this “choice” to make but it’s not always within our control – thank you for sharing your story so openly.
I’m a big believer when you know you just know, but that doesn’t make the finality of it all any easier.
xoxo
Theta Mom’s last awesome post…Theta Mom is a Scary Mommy
I couldn’t agree more with your last statement, Heather. And it seems to be true across the board, regardless of how many kids you have. The dialogue stemming from this post really hammered that home.
Thanks so much for reading and weighing in. “Heartwrenching yet peaceful” pretty much sums it up.
Twitter: hookdandhappy
I cried when I gave away baby clothes and equipment. It seemed I was able to remember when certain clothes were worn and when each baby item was used…
I wasn’t sure I was done (after 2)but then something clicked. I’m not getting any younger, and trying for #2 wasn’t easy.
It is the what-ifs that are hard to quell. I think this post was so well-written.
Carolyn’s last awesome post…5 Days I’d Like To Do Over
Thank you so much. And yes, the what-ifs are what haunted me. They still do occasionally – just in a different kind of way.
This was a discussion that happened with my husband and I before we even got married. I am an only child, and he comes from a HUGE family. I found that I was comfortable with the idea of one, while to him the thought was abhorrent. So we compromised with the idea of 2, no more. If for some reason we can’t get pregnant again though, there will be no resentment over only having one. That is the bargain that we made.
I agree with the idea of, how can another one be like THIS one? Our first is smart, sweet, and has been relatively easy for most of his 2.5 years. I have to believe that lightening does NOT strike twice, so I’m incredibly nervous about having a second. But… I guess we cross that bridge when we come to it and just try to make the second as loved and as adored as the first. No matter how wild and crazy he/she is.
Ashley @ It’s Fitting’s last awesome post…Wordless Wednesday : Someone is Watching You
I think the compromise you and your husband made sounds awesome – as do you for being so open-minded. My husband said he was open to the idea of having two but, in the end, I really don’t think he was. I suppose if I hadn’t ended up feeling the way I do – comfortable with having just one – then it could have caused some problems between us. But with the way things worked out, I don’t begrudge him for the way he felt/feels.
I also like your perspective on having a second. I no doubt would have felt the same way had we decided to try for #2, but the nervousness would’ve definitely been there.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Twitter: notwifezilla
Oh Kristin, what a beautiful post. I have a number of friends choosing to have one child, and I do believe I will be sharing this with them.
Jackie’s last awesome post…Ridiculously Out of Control
Thank you so much – for your kind words, and for sharing this post with your friends. I’m incredibly touched that my post has resonated with so many people. Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. As moms, I think we all struggle with these decisions.
Natalie @Mamatrack’s last awesome post…Take Your Time
That definitely seems to be the case! I’ve honestly been floored by just how much this post seemed to resonate with ALL moms, regardless of how many children they had or want to have. I appreciate the support, as well as the realization that there’s sadness in the finality of it all no matter how big or small your family.
I just want to thank you for voicing what is in our hearts, my husband and I. We haven’t officially let the clothes go, but the local family tag sale is coming, and they are slated to go. I will be 35 in nine days. My son is enough in a way I never expected. We are three and we are enough. It can be hard with the culture of babies pressing on you, as you said, to say, “I’m all set.”
This post was like a hug for the soul. Again, thank you.
Cameron’s last awesome post…WTF?
This comment brought me to tears. As a writer, you have no idea how much it means to me to be able to speak so deeply to one person, let alone the many who have essentially said the same thing as you. So, you’re very welcome. And thank YOU.
Twitter: GalitBreen
This is stunning. Truly stunning.
I love the way you own your story, but also admit to the faltering. because it is in the faltering that we truly learn, and the admitting that we truly teach.
(I am an only and am just fine. But was hell bent on having a BIG family of my own. So then there’s that.
)
Galit Breen’s last awesome post…Buying Worries
Thank you, Galit. Your perspective is always like a breath of fresh air.
Twitter: themommymess
I love your writing. I could really feel your emotional struggle with this decision. Your daughter is so blessed to have a mama who can shower her every bit of attention, love, and support she could ever want! Sometimes, I admittedly miss those days when it was just the three of us. That’s hard to admit, of course, because I have two children. They are 6 years apart, so the oldest had so many years of just three. Those were precious years! I’m sure I don’t have to add the disclaimer that I cherish my completed family, and cannot imagine my life without BOTH children, but those first years seem so long ago. It makes me nostalgically sad.
Adrienne’s last awesome post…When I can’t say everything I want to.
First, no, you definitely don’t need to add that disclaimer.
But more importantly, thank you for your unique perspective. You’re the first person to tell me that as much as you love having two kids, you do feel nostalgic for the early days when you just had one. I’ve never thought of it that way (and will never have the chance), but I would no doubt feel the same way as you if we’d decided to expand our family.
It sounds like you really thought it through and came to a decision that was right for you.
We really wanted to have four. We wanted two close together and then a gap and then two more close together. When our third came sooner than we thought, we decided we were done.
Shell’s last awesome post…Pour Your Heart Out: When It’s Always Your Child’s Fault
I’ve thought it through quite a bit – sometimes rationally, sometimes not so much – and Hubs and I have had numerous discussions on the subject. It was a hard decision for me to make, but I feel good about it because I definitely gave it its due diligence.
Twitter: LaliQuin
Beautiful post – one that really spoke to me. Just this afternoon, I was pulling out my spring clothes. And in the plastic bin, were 2 pairs of maternity jeans from 2 springs ago. I didn’t wear them very long. Fate made the decision for me. I’ve cried many nights but slowly starting to make peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but am glad you’re making peace with it. Fate is such a funny thing, isn’t it? Just this week in my guest post series on family planning, I mentioned that when it comes to that very topic, no matter what our own plans may be, fate often as other ideas. It certainly works in mysterious ways…
Twitter: latorres
Amazing post, Kristin. So honest and real. I still know that ache of getting rid of the baby clothes. Some I can’t bear to part with even after going through 3 girls.
The important thing is that you are at peace with your decision. I can tell you that if you decided to have another when you maybe weren’t quite ready, you likely wouldn’t regret it, but you WOULD say you could imagine life without her. As much as I love my Zoe, I can definitely imagine life without her, because 3 small kids is really difficult. But I don’t regret having her.
Leigh Ann’s last awesome post…Attending is harder than it sounds
Very raw and honest sentiments there, Leigh Ann. Thank you for sharing.
Twitter: elainea
The only thing that I cannot grasp with the only child scenario is not having any siblings but I’m guessing that is just because I do not know any different.
But that is my own issue and YOUR words here solidify your decision for your own family and that is all that truly matters.
Not to sound flippant but I have a hard time getting rid of the cute little girl clothes too…
Thank you for sharing this with us, it really gave good insight into your decision and your heart as a Mother.
Elaine A.’s last awesome post…On the Fourth of the Fourth Month
Well, like I said, not all sibling relationships are close. I love my brother, but he and I are like oil and water. Perhaps if we were closer, I’d feel differently about all of this. As it is, though, the sibling issue (or lack thereof, in my case) wasn’t a huge factor in my overall decision.
And I understand how hard it is to get rid of baby clothes, regardless of how many kids you have – several people have mentioned the very same thing. Not flippant at all.
Kristin, I teared up at this post – you stated so well what I have thought about for months. I always thought we would have two kids, and after a tough pregnancy and post-partum, we decided that one was perfect for us. But I still struggled with your same fears, so much that I couldn’t speak them aloud. Thank you for doing that for me.
My story on one and done was a guest post on A Family Village, here: http://afamilyvillage.com/blog/party-of-three-from-guest-blogger-kristin-vanderhey-shaw/
Thank you Kristin!
Kristin Shaw’s last awesome post…Chapter 9: The Proposal
Kristin, I just read your post. And while I actually had an extremely easy pregnancy, I did struggle with postpartum depression, not to mention my “advanced maternal age,” and could therefore fully empathize with your reasons for not wanting to have a second child. Strangely, though, my PPD didn’t even enter into my own decision. I guess I just associated it more with my ongoing struggles with depression in general, which I’ve beat before and could no doubt beat again (though God knows I hope I never have to). Still, you’d think that would’ve been a pretty big factor in my ultimate decision. But it just wasn’t.
Anyway, I really enjoyed your perspective – thank you for sharing. And WHAT is the deal with the nosy and completely inappropriate comments from other people about WHY we should have more than one kid? That’s another entire post unto itself.
I fully respect your decision, it’s what works for your family.
All I wanted to share was that even with my second kid, boxing up and then donating his clothes…some that were hand me downs from his brother, or from my nephew, I cried with that finality as well. I know in my heart I don’t want more children – but still…they seem to hold so many memories, those tiny clothes.
MommaKiss’s last awesome post…WTF Wednesday 4-4-12
Yes, if there is one thing the dialogue stemming from this post has revealed, it’s that there is an air of sadness in the finality of it all whenever, and at whatever number, you decide to stop growing your family. In my case, packing away and donating my daughter’s clothes served as a metaphor for that – it when it really hit me that we were done. But I don’t doubt that it’s a difficult thing to do for any mom.
Twitter: SeekingGrace316
What a wonderful post.
I can understand the feelings. While I do have 3 children, I had always envisioned myself with 4 children. always.
And yet, life had some unexpected plans and 4 children were just not to be in His plan for me.
The key is finding contentment in what you have and not what you don’t have.
thank you for sharing your story.
Missy’s last awesome post…Remembering a Man
“The key is finding contentment in what you have and not what you don’t have.”
Very well said. I couldn’t agree more.
Kristin – what a heartfelt and emotional post. I felt both your happiness and sadness in this and feel so happy to know you as the woman you are. Strong, but with so much compassion. Thank you for sharing your story.
Missy | Literal Mom’s last awesome post…Why Blogging Privacy Matters
Thank you, my friend. That’s it. Just… thank you.
Making the choice that is right for you makes the happiest kids. I’m sure of it
I think so, too. Self-assurance breeds self-assurance.
[...] Lots of my friends have 2, 3, 4, and even more kids. But some people, like Kristin, are “one and done.” Her story of how she and her husband “knew” is touching and beautiful. Read: The Road to One and Done. [...]
It’s like you were reading my thoughts when you wrote that post, but put them into words much more eloquently than I could have.
R is a little over two. He was a bit of a surprise, and I was 35 when we had him. But as soon as he was in my arms, I couldn’t stop thinking about having another. Husband, on the other hand, is content with stopping at one. I’m not totally at peace with not having another, but my fears are the one’s you articulated (and the ones I’ve never said out loud to anyone)… R was a dream baby, and is shaping up to be a benevolent toddler. If we had #2, would karma bite us in the butt? We hit the jackpot with him…would we be risking too much, with the added health concerns for baby of being an over-35 mom? This is the largest thing holding me back…
I think my head knows that we are done with one. But heart hasn’t caught up with that yet.
Your last statement says it all. It’s exactly the way I felt for the longest time – I saw the writing on the wall (of my own mind, that is), yet I couldn’t quite bring myself to accept it. But once I did, I felt a great sense of peace.
As for those fears, I had never voiced them aloud to anyone, either (aside from my husband, that is). And sometimes when I think back on them, I do still feel like a coward. But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if they were some sort of an omen – my mind’s way of telling me not to tempt fate.
I guess I’ll never know. And I’m OK with that. Finally.
Wow, I can so relate. I always thought I would have at least 2 – maybe even 3. But the older my son gets, the less ready I feel and the more I wonder if I’ll ever feel ready. The flexibility that comes with only having one is so valuable… I feel like we both are able to maintain a certain amount of independence because one of us can always handle our son while the other goes off to have dinner with a friend, volunteer, go on a work trip, etc. I think a second one would put an end to a lot of that and I worry that I’ll sort of “lose myself.”
Also… I’ve had the same “what if something happens to him and he’s our only one?” fear… but I’ve never said it out loud. It’s a relief that I’m not the only one to have that thought, so thank you for sharing that.
Phase Three of Life’s last awesome post…Happy Easter!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s had that horrible fear. It was extremely hard for me to write that portion of this post. In fact, I hit a block when I got to it and remained stuck there for several days. When I finally pushed through it and got it down in writing, I cried the whole way though. It was such a release of pent-up emotion. And then publishing it – putting it “out there,” so to speak – felt like relieving myself of a huge weight. Very cathartic.
I also feel the same as you in terms of my lifestyle with one child. And it’s always made me feel oddly selfish, even though it’s a perfectly respectable and legitimate reason not to have another child. So, thank you for sharing your perspective and letting me know that I’m not alone, either.
Twitter: KristenPGIP
I just cried with you. I’m serious. You brought out so emotion in this post. You brought out feelings that I have myself and tend to keep them locked away. I was incredibly fortunate to have my two girls but I always wanted three. The decision for us not to have three wasn’t made by us, it was made by my body. The finality of it all is hard, no matter how you get there. Looking forward to reading the guest posts.
By the way, thanks for saying you missed me while I was on spring break! It meant so much to me to receive that. I doubt myself a lot and sometimes I wonder if people just comment so I will comment on their posts. It is nice to know that you stopped by because you noticed I was missing. Thank you! xo! Enjoy your spring break!!
Kristen’s last awesome post…Things I Learned Over Spring Break
I did miss you! And now I’m away on Spring Break, so we’re like two ships passing in the night.
But rest assured, your absence last week did not go unnoticed.
And thank you for your comment re: this post. I’m absolutely floored by the response it received – and very, very touched.
Hi Kristin, just came across your post and found it very comforting.
Like you, I always thought I wanted two children (no more, no less) but during my pregnancy with my daughter (now one year old), I started to have the feeling that one might be it for me. That feeling has only grown stronger over the past year, and I’m 99% certain that we’re “one and done”. (1% is for any surprise that might come along
Fortunately my husband is onboard with this.
The reasons for wanting only one are similar to what others frequently share (finances, time, energy, attention, etc.), but at the heart of it is that I just have no desire for another child. I’m happy with our family of three.
Bringing another child into the world as a playmate and lifelong friend to my daughter doesn’t feel right to me. (1) I feel a child should be wanted for itself, not as a “gift” to another child, and (2) There’s no guarantee they’d get along as children or adults.
As for having someone my daughter can shoulder the emotional/financial burden of caring for us in our old age… (1) By having only one child my husband and I will be in a better position to support ourselves financially in our golden years (thus not being a burden to our daughter) , and (2) I hope that by that time she’ll have found a partner to support her emotionally when we begin to fail health-wise.
As for having another child in case something happens to the first, I understand the fear of losing a child (I’ve thought of it myself), but fear is not a good reason to have another child. What would we name him/her… “Spare”?
I think the hardest part of coming to peace with the decision to have only one child is letting go of what other people think. In our baby-obsessed society where two children is the unwritten required minimum, there will always be comments about why it’s “wrong” to have only one child. Going against the mainstream isn’t easy, but in the end what’s most important is that a family – no matter the size – is happy together.
I am unapologetically one-and-done with my eight-year-old daughter. I went through so much existential angst getting there while my husband (the seventh of eight) was all for stopping after one. As she’s grown older, I’ve found myself more and more ecstatic with our family of three and the adventures we have. Don’t be afraid to talk about not having siblings with your girl as she grows — it’ll come up from the outside world, and it’s good to talk through feelings. We all romanticize what we don’t have.
Whenever you’re tempted to worry about stockpiling kids, remind yourself you don’t do that with husbands. It’s no riskier to only have one kid.
Rita Arens’s last awesome post…Breeze on the Soles of Your Feet
I love everything you have written, all the weighing up about another child after 35, this is the exact thought process I went through and thought I was being fearful and selfish, it is so nice to hear from someone else who has gone through this also. Can I ask, is your husband on only child? I am always interested when an only child goes on to have an only child also, it confirms that there is nothing horrible or lonely about this existence. We are a happy family of three and we love our life together. My son has lots of friends and one in particular who he feels a close “brother” bond with. Thanks for sharing. Rachael.
No, he’s not an only child and neither am I. We both have one sibling. But I know other only children (including my dad) who have said that they never felt lonely or isolated. My daughter has been in daycare since she was 4 months old. She has a core group of friends she has quite literally grown up with and being in a daycare setting has helped grow and nurture her social skills. Plus, personality-wise, she’s just an outgoing kid. So, any fears I had about her being a lonely child stereotype growing up have all been allayed by now.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. This post is several months old but it still seems to generate readership and reaction. And to be honest, it’s probably the most near and dear to my heart of all the posts I’ve written.