Friday Tapas: The Sleep-Deprived Edition

Fans of the television show Lost may recall the concept of course-correction. Basically, it states that everyone has a predestined path and should they happen to deviate from it, the universe will, at some point, lay the smackdown.

As a new mom, I felt certain my predestined path would be one of sleep-deprivation. So, when my daughter began sleeping through the night at five weeks old, I patiently awaited my course-correction.

Surely this is a fluke, I thought when, at the eight-week mark, both of us were getting a full eight hours of sleep each night. She’ll definitely regress. But only one month later she was up to twelve hours a night, allowing me a full night’s sleep book-ended by quality time to myself.

Surely the dreaded four-month wakeful will hit soon and put an end to all this nonsense, I mused. But the infamous wakeful period never came. And then I got complacent.

Well. My course-correction has finally arrived. And it hasn’t been pretty.

So, grab a nightcap (or a strong cup of coffee) and join me for a midnight snack as I serve up all the gory details, from sun-up ’till sundown… and often beyond.

Morning

• Lil’ Bit has taken to waking with the birds at the crack of dawn each morning. The “crack of dawn” currently being approximately 5:30 a.m. So, these days I tend to rise and shine and give God the glory-glory in the form of a few choice words for our earth’s primary source of energy as it illuminates my house at this ungodly hour. And then I give Daylight Savings Time the finger.

• In an effort to combat the absurdly bright sunshine assaulting Lil’ Bit’s window each morning, we reinforced the [rather futile] blinds and curtains already in place with an old tapestry. Instantly transforming my daughter’s sweet vintage-inspired bedroom into something eerily reminiscent of my old boyfriend’s apartment in college. All that’s missing is a poster on the wall of Bob Marley smoking a doobie.

• The tapestry we hung over Lil’ Bit’s window has a sun on it. Note to Alanis Morissette: This actually is ironic.

• The tapestry has also failed. Effectively robbing me of one of the last remaining slivers of time I can call my own on any given day – that of my most sacred and peaceful morning routine. And I’m not even a morning person.

Noon

• I would genuinely like to know how it is that Lil’ Bit will go down for nap without protest at school and then sleep like Rip Van Winkle for two and half hours, while at home she fights her nap tooth and nail before snoozing for an hour – maybe 75 minutes if we’re lucky. This is quite honestly shaping up to be one my life’s greatest mysteries.

Night

• I never imagined my only respite at the end of each day would be dependent upon, among other things, water being placed in the orange sippy cup with the straw as opposed to the purple sippy cup with the spout. Adding bedtime stalling tactics to the ever-growing list of Ways Parenthood Has Humbled Me. As if wiping another person’s ass and not thinking twice before uttering phrases like, “Do you have to sit on the potty?” in front of a young, good-looking passerby on the street wasn’t enough.

• If I were given the chance to go to bed each night by 8 p.m. and sleep for eleven full hours, you better believe I’d take it. Kids these days are so ungrateful. That’s all I’m sayin’.

• I do, however, adore Lil’ Bit’s version of the classic prayer Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep: Now I Lambie down to night-night…

Later That Night

• That four-month wakeful bullet that we managed to dodge? It finally caught up to us – at two years and four months. And it’s still going strong over two months later.

• Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with the theme song to Thomas & Friends running through my head. It’s awesome.

These people wrote good stuff this week. Probably because they weren’t sleep-deprived:

• In The Friendship Oak, Katie from Chicken Noodle Gravy beautifully illustrates the comfort and the loneliness that comes from preferring one’s own company over that of others. Introverts everywhere will unite in empathy and understanding over this lovely piece.

• In a hilarious spoof of the literary classic alluded to above, Carri of Carri Ellen Brown paid dubious homage to her husband’s passion for slumber with Wake the F*ck Up. Incidentally, I think I might hate him a little bit.

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Well, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, I’m pretty tired… I think I’ll sign off now.

But first…

In my recent zombie-like state, I inadvertently let our cat out Wednesday evening, whereupon he proceeded to take refuge under our deck, lazily ignoring all pleas to come back inside. Visit the What She Said Facebook page to watch a brief but hilarious video of Lil’ Bit sternly admonishing this insolence using phrases she’s come to know well (Boo! Mommy is NOT happy! You not doing your best job!). 

And hey, while you’re hanging out on my fan page, feel free to give it a Like!

Otherwise, have a restful weekend. It’s only fair that someone should.

Are you as tired as I am?